Oopsies

Two things:

(1) First and foremost, we would like to apologize for the complete radio silence last Friday here at GameTime, TBD©.  My Better Half and I celebrated our third anniversary last week (time flies when you're having fun) and as our gifts to each other we planned a group orgy trip to San Francisco for the Outside Lands music festival.  We flew up to San Francisco early Friday and, in all the excitement, I shirked my duties to you, our dear readers, and failed to provide you with any form of entertainment whatsoever.  If it makes you feel any better, the festival was totally uh-mazing.  It was highlighted by Muse on Saturday night, which was pretty much one of the best live shows I have seen.  I also got to see Majer Lazer, Arcade Fire, Phish, OK Go, The Arctic Monkeys, Deadmau5 (which My Better Half said sounded like one long song [shakes head]) and The Black Keys, who were, by far, the surprise performance of the weekend for me.  And it was all punctuated by the fact that I got to enjoy the weekend with My Better Half in celebration of three great years.

(B) Speaking of My Better Half, she and I dove into Season 2 of The Tudors this week (yes we're a little behind the times).  If you have not seen The Tudors, the show can essentially be broken down into two parts, (1) Henry VIII yelling, and (b) people getting it on (turns out people loved to do the nasty back then, who knew?).  Anyways, during a scene of the latter kind with Henry and Anne Boleyn, My Better Half said the following:  "Natalie Dormer (actress who plays Anne Boleyn) has an amazing rack."  I commented that I thought they looked kind of fake because they did not really move, to which My Better Half noted that it was more the position of her body preventing them from moving and they were definitely not fake.   [Editor's Note: reason no. 347,218,769 why My Better Half is better than yours . . . she's so confident in herself that she strikes up conversations about other chicks breasts.]

For the record, I am absolutely terrible at telling the difference between real and fake breasts.  Unless a woman is rocking sweater kittens pointing north of the border, I am just as likely to think someone is wearing a good push-up bra as I am to think they paid ten grand for the right to never wear a bra again.  I attribute this deficiency to two things: (1) my general lack of interest in strip clubs, porn, and the like; and, somewhat related, (b) never having seen a pair up close (to my knowledge) and/or felt a pair.  To be honest, it is somewhat embarrassing when I am totally oblivious and either my friends or My Better Half makes a comment and I am none-the-wiser.  This is a problem I would like to remedy.  So, if (1) you are a reader of GameTime, TBD©, (b) have fake breasts, and (iii) are cool with me feeling your fake rack in a totally platonic way, go ahead and drop us a line via Twitter or email.  Do not worry, I figure the whole scene will play out something like this (which will be followed by this interaction with one of my friends . . . naturally).

Well, our little corner of the world wide web is so popular, I imagine the offers from fake-breasted ladies should start rolling in any moment now.  So while we are off checking Twitter and our email, here are some things you might have missed from the week that was:

• Okay, so I am pretty sure you did not miss the news about "The U", but if you have not read the official Yahoo Sports report, I recommend you do so now.
• Now, that you are caught up on all the dirty details, this flowchart should make more sense.
• With people debating whether or not Miami should get the "death penalty" for its transgressions, I think it is time we check in with Southern Methodist University, the only school to actually receive the death penalty, and their new strip club-esque football locker room.
• Well, at least he was honest.
• The lawsuit ten years in the making has finally arrived.
• Would you look at that, intelligent life does exist inside the New York Islanders organization.
• "This is a beautiful story of modern reconciliation."
• Baseball players always manage to find interesting ways to injure themselves.  Today's culprit: sleep.
• Let this be a lesson to you children, think twice before speeding on your motorcycle with multiple loaded guns.
• Robbie Keane is bringing his talents to Los Angeles.  Of course, by "his talents", I meant these. [Editor's Note: fake, right?]
• If ever there was a good reason for workers to strike, I would think "when a barrel filled with chemical products exploded" is it.
• When future law students study the First Amendment, this should be an interesting topic of discussion.

Right, the offers will start rolling in any second now . . . [checks watch] . . . well, you know, it is Friday and I am sure most of you are just trying to get out early.  So I imagine they will come in this weekend, and then we can go from there.  In the meantime, here are some videos to help you get through the rest of your work week.  Just as a heads up, this is probably, time wise, the longest collection of videos we have ever posted.  Excited?  Here we go:

• Twelve minutes of girl fails?  Twelve minutes of [mostly-drunk] girl fails.
• As it turns out, some of the most famous lines/scenes in cinematic history were never scripted; go figure.  [Editor's Note: strong language, headphones/closing of office door advised.]
• Ages ago, we brought you "Batting Stance Guy" impersonating . . . well . . . batting stances.  As it turns out, he does some other pretty solid impersonations as well.
• Ah yes, the old "racket-to-balls" trick.  Gets them every time.
• Why use just words when you can look like an idiot instead?  Thanks, ESPN.
• I would not mind seeing a few more Swingers references around here, so might as well get the ball rolling on that one.
• Not shown: me doing everything Danny MacAskill does . . . blindfolded.
• I imagine the presidential primaries will be providing Jimmy Kimmel with plenty of unnecessary censorship opportunities.  Oh look, I am right.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Bank Error In Your Favor

[Editor's Note: for those of you who don't follow hockey too closely, you might not be aware that the Kings have started 2011 with a 1-5 record and have lost seven of eight dating back to late-December.  Needless to say, this has gotten the Chief in a bit of a tizzy.  His first draft of his New Year's Resolution post had to be scraped because we couldn't post something that essentially read: [censored].  We promise it's coming soon.]

There is a saying we have used frequently around these parts: "It's a competition and the Chief is in it."  Yes, those of you who have grown to love the Chief know that he is just a leeeeeeeeee-ttle bit competitive.  But what you may not know is that his competitive side is not restricted strictly to athletic competition; no sir.  If there is an activity which only ends once there is a clear-cut winner and loser, you can bet your life savings on the Chief's competitive spirit rearing its sometimes-ugly head.  Take, for example, one of the Chief's favorite board games, Monopoly.  He does not just want to have the most money when all is said and done, he wants to humiliate his opponents by having them mortgage their kids to pay off rent at his hotels.  This is a man who has researched the mathematical statistics associated with the game and has created what he believes to be the perfect strategy to effectuate a victory the likes of which we have not seen since Sherman marched to the sea.  Believe you me, if you land on New York Avenue before he does, do not buy it, lest you want to be cursed at and threatened with physical harm.  And, of course, you have not truly lived until you have seen his "Bank Error in Your Favor" dance.  Seriously, it can be like salt in the wounds.

So, what does this anecdote have to with today's Link Dump?  Pretty much nothing.  Except that today there was, in fact, a banking error in the Chief's favor.  For roughly eight hours, the Chief was pretty much the highest paid attorney (at least base salary wise) in the state of California.  That is, apparently, what happens when someone throws an extra zero at the end of a salary.  Of course, it did not take to long for the firm's CFO to figure this all out considering the firm was suddenly running low on its cash supply.  And while the Chief has generously given the necessary authority for payroll to reverse the transaction, he is still in possession of the original payroll direct deposit confirmation and intends to frame it.

Additionally, it means that we have decided to give a little "bank" error in your favor and provide you with an extended Link Dump with more stories and videos to help you get through your Friday afternoon:

• We dabble in celebrity gossip every now and then, especially when it involves an attractive female.  Well, would you look at that (headline).
• Apparently we should be attending more basketball games at University of Oregon's new Matthew Knight Arena.
• Man, Reebok totally gets it.  When I see Erin Andrews on the set of College Gameday or Good Morning America [Editor's Note: she's on GMA?], the first thing I think is "I wonder what shoes she trains in?".  Yes, that is exactly what I think. or
• This might come as a shock to many of you, but the folks here at GameTime, TBD© could be considered what some of you might call "comic book nerds".  [Editor's Note: I know, right?]  That being said, is this really happening?
• It is time to play "What famous athlete is this person related to?".  You can find your answer here.
• Freddie Mitchell, fresh off his successful retelling of his one career highlight, continues to put the word [censored] in class.
• We were sad to see that Kris Benson retired from baseball on Monday.  Why, you ask, would be we sad to see an average pitcher retire?  Because now we are less likely to see his wife, Anna Benson, in the news.
• While Ryan Howard may strike out at the plate quite often, he sure knows how to hit those random interview references out of the park.
•  Is there anything Ken Griffey's rookie card can not do?
• In case you were wondering, yes, average basketball players make far too much money in the NBA.
• ESPN has confirmed that excessive Duke ball washing will continue until at least 2015.
• Remember when the National Enquirer turned out to be right about Tiger "the Potent Putter" Woods?  They should have quit while they were ahead.
• Apparently the Philadelphia Union's new sponsor has resulted in many of their female fans feeling alienated.  I know, we were shocked to learn the Union had many female fans too.
• How dare someone destroy such a fine piece of art in what we are sure is a classy joint.

Oh man, nothing like a Saved by the Bell-related news story to raise your spirits as you head into the weekend.  You know what also helps raise our spirits?  Funny videos.  Well, would you look at that:

• What do you get when Will Arnett, Jimmy Fallon, and Horatio Sanz get together?  Pure genius.
• I am sure it is just pure coincidence that Wes Welker made ten foot references at a press conference this week . . . pure coincidence.
• 'Cuz a basketball court to the face is bad for your health.
• Wait, Dora wants to what like animals?
• Count it!
• "Katuse puhastus" is Estonian for FAIL.
• Ever wonder what it would be like to walk around a store on your phone telling someone else what the other shoppers are doing?
• We close with my two favorite commercials that are currently on television: (1) you know we love us some eTrade baby (wait, what?); and (b) "Well that's a problem, cause I like Johnny."

Have a great weekend everyone!

Worst. Relationship. Ever.

You know what a city with already ridiculous traffic congestion could really use this morning?  A visit from the President.  As such, things are running a little behind schedule this morning at the GameTime, TBD© offices and that always gets the Chief a little antsy.  But rest assured that we are operating at full capacity and are to send you off into the weekend on the right foot.

I was talking with long-time friend of the program Q early this week, and she was a little (read: a lot) distraught over her Phillies' lack luster performance in Game 4 of the National League Championship Series.  And as a tried to talk her off the ledge (trust me, as a Kings, Lions, and UCLA fan, I have plenty of experience in this area), she said something that really got me thinking: "Being a fan . . . it's like being in a relationship.  Like a complicated one.  When it's great, it's GREAT . . . when it's bad . . . oh man."  My initial response was that that was the perfect analogy.  But the more I thought about, the less I was convinced.

Let us be honest, we all have been stuck in a bad relationship at some point in our life.  [Editor's Note: if you ever want to feel better about your bad relationship, talk the Chief and you'll feel better . . . trust us.]  It is that relationship that is well past its expiration date but for some reason you keep going back for more.  It is that relationship that your friends keep begging you to end, but for some reason you do not listen to them.  You have to put in all the effort; you have to pay for everything; then, at the end of the day, you are not even sure if you are going to get any.  Did I describe your bad relationship?  Probably.  Did I also describe what it is like to be a fan?  You betcha.  Perhaps our good friend Ballgame summarized it best when he said "It's like the girlfriend who is so incredibly awesome at making out, you stick around for all the torture, just waiting for the big payday that never happens."  Does that sound like a complicated relationship?  No, that sounds like the worst. relationship. ever.  Yet here we are, still waiting for that payday that might never come.

The more we talk about this, the more we risk the Chief having some sort of 'Nam-like flashback.  Believe you me, they are never pretty.  So, I think it best we switch gears and get to the good stuff.  Here are some things you might have missed from the past week:

• I can not decide what I like more, the old guy stealing second in public or the reaction of the guys trying to document it all?
• Tiger says he is finally "at peace" with his life because . . . you know . . .  now he does not have to be worried about a wife finding out.
• Here's to you, (former-King) Matt Moulson.  A true class act.
• When I win the lottery tonight, I am buying this.
• Sasha Vujacic has certainly out-kicked his coverage.  Good for him.
• Please, Commissioner Stern, think about the agents, the entourages, and the baby mamas . . .
• MSG's loss is our gain.
• Headed to the Big House for a Michigan game?  Do not forget to pack your M16s.  
• Colts punter seeks to become the Peyton Manning of public intoxication.
• Did you win your fantasy football match-up this week because of Chris Johnson's late touchdown?  Well, apparently you have ESPN's greed to thank for that.
• Speaking of ESPN, this is the kind of publicity they always seem to love.
• Oh, wait, you strenuously deny the charges? Oh, well you must be innocent then.
• Peruvian soccer team takes the phrase "win at all costs" to the next level.

Before we get the videos, a funny story.  As we mentioned at the start of the Link Dump, the President is in Los Angeles today.  His first stop is a rally at the University of Spoiled Children here in downtown and then he has a radio interview in Glendale.  Since many of you are probably not up to date on the layout of the Los Angeles freeway system, you should know that there is only one freeway that gets you from downtown to Glendale and the surrounding area.  Well, that fact has made it quite convenient for not one, not two, not three, but six attorneys in my office to feel as though they should beat traffic and "work" from home this afternoon.  But do not fear, we know that many of you will not be bailing out early.  So here are some videos to help get you through your Friday afternoon:

• No one disputes that Rick Rypien was wrong in grabbing at a taunting fan. No one except the homer Vancouver announcers, that is.
• This seemingly innocent compilation of footage captured by sports fanatics will probably give you the sudden urge to buy rugged cameras, skateboards, snowboards, surfboards, race cars, and motocross bikes. I would warn you more, but I have stunts to practice.
• "Lincecum, [censored] yeah!"  You know, if we are not careful, people might start to think we like the Giants as well.  [Editor's Note: We DON'T! Also, video's language is NSFW.]
• Sadly, this will be the highlight of Pepperdine's basketball season. 
• Wait, this is an ad for a motorcycle insurance company? Weird, I thought it was for a new women's body wash.
• When the robots finally rise up against us, at least we will still be able to out bowl them.
• Mad Lib time: "It's been another wild season of fist-______ and hard _______ . . ."

Have a great weekend everyone!

A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to the Race

[Face shows mock surprise] Oh, hello there. We did not expect to see you so soon. You might have picked up some small hints that things were getting pretty crazy in the real world and that, as a result, our little corner of the World Wide Web was suffering. Okay, so maybe it was not a hint so much as an outright declaration, but you know how we like to keep you all in the loop. But, thankfully, things quieted down a lot faster than we anticipated and we are back with a fresh and fantastic Link Dump to help get you to that weekend.

As you know, a little over ten weeks ago, the Chief embarked on quest to get himself ready for, and run in, the San Francisco Half Marathon. He set what he thought was a conservative time goal of two hours (a pace of just under 9:10 per mile), but, as he spoke to some more experienced runners, he began to think that goal might be a little to aggressive. After all, this was a man who was twelve years and fifty pounds removed from high school cross country. So, he kept pounding the pavement, going mile after mile, while doubt slowly crept into his head.

So the Chief and My Better Half [Editor's note: wait, what?] traveled to San Francisco; July 25th finally arrived; the race was run. And it is with great pleasure that we report to you, our avid readers and great supporters of the Chief, that he traversed the 13.1 miles in 1:59:33 (9:08 per mile), beating his goal with a full twenty-seven seconds to spare. And then a funny thing happened, except, it is not funny if you know the Chief. In fact, it was downright predictable.

Mixing the Chief with athletic competition never ends well for the athletic competition . . . I mean, the saying "It's a competition, and [the Chief's] in it" didn't just materialize out of nothingness. By the time My Better Half had finished providing her celebratory compliments and kisses [Editor's note: should I be worried?], the following thought had already run through the Chief's head: "If I can run sub-2:00, why can't I run sub-1:55? And if I can run sub-1:55, why can't I run sub-1:45?" And once those thoughts went through his head . . . well . . . it was only a matter of time. By the following Tuesday the Chief had mapped out every workout between July 27, 2010 and February 6, 2011, when he will run not his second, but third half marathon in a little over six months with a sprint-distance triathlon thrown in just for kicks. So mark you calendars for November 14, 2010 (Big Sur Half Marathon in Monterey, CA) and February 6, 2011 (Surf City Half Marathon in Huntington Beach, CA), and get ready for some classic Chief competition stories, because this train is moving down the tracks and there is no stopping it now.

Between you and me, I think the Chief has got a few wires loose upstairs. I mean, do not get us wrong, he is still as smart, witty, and charming as ever, but who wants to train for and run three half marathons in six months? So, while we sit here and carefully watch the Chief for signs of . . . well . . . we do not know what exactly, here are some things you might have missed from the week that was:

• There is a reason we keep things as anonymous as possible around here, and, let us be honest, we are not even that important.
• Come for the skydiving scrabble, stay for the everything else.
  
• I am going to go out on a limb and say John P. Lopez was never in a fraternity.
  
• "Suh won in a blowout reminiscent of a typical Lions’ Sunday." Yup, that about sums up the Detroit Lions organization.
  
• You stay classy, Michael Irvin.
• This story contains the following phrases: "neighborhood pool", "9-year-old kids", and "gainers off the board". Yet, it is totally not what you think.
  
• Fear the Penguins.
• You did not think crappy baseball was the only reason people were not showing up to Rays baseball games, did you?
• It is nice to see that economists have found a good use for their time during this global economic downturn. You know, like analyzing Jose Cancesco's impact on his teammates.
• I am willing to bet having 14.3-times more than the normal ratio of testosterone in your system might make you a little over-aggressive as well.
  
• Deep inside the walls of Bristol, ESPN is probably planning its next great one-hour prime time special. [Editor's Note: don't forget to watch the videos.]
• Green Power Ranger successful in MMA debut, guilty of profiting off of lamest catch phrase ever. Rita Repulsa unavailable for poorly-dubbed comment.

Since we deprived you of your weekly source of entertainment for the past two weeks, we decided to make it up to you with a collection of videos that is 14.3-times the normal ratio of awesomeness:

• "Hey Janice? Great talk." The best fifty-seven seconds of Vince Vaughn's career. [Editor's Note: that's what she said . . . HEY-OH]
  
• Asian carp also make very skilled outfielders.
• Reason number 2,743,691 we are thankful for the World Wide Web.
• Judging by the sculptor's reaction, the reporter should be glad he is walking away fully intact.
• Another "This Week In Unnecessary Censorship"? Yes please.
• And the hits just keep on coming.
• This video is UH-MAZING on so many levels; I wish I was of UGA's Class of 2014.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Run (Not as) Fat Boy, Run!

What? Where am I? What day is it?

Yeah, it has been one of those weeks around the GameTime, TBD© "office". But do not worry, we are not here to make excuses. Unlike Notre Dame, who only plays like champions five to six Saturdays per year [Editor's Note: that's probably a little generous these days, no?], we play like champions all day, every day. And since it is Friday, and we are playing like champions, we have got to do what we do . . . and that is your weekly source of entertainment, our Link Dump. And what a week in sports it was.

Let us see [*flipping through sports sections*] . . . [*dead silence*] . . . ah, yes here we go. The Kings signed Ilya Kolvachuk have made no progress on on the Kolvachuk front. [expletive deleted.]

The Yankees lost two members of their family this week with the passings of Bob Shepard and George Steinbrenner. [*awkward silence*]

The National League won home field advantage at the World Series by beating the American League . . . wait a second, the All Star Game was this week? [*shrugs shoulders*] Oh well.

Ah, here we go the Golden State Warriors were sold to . . . hahahaha . . . hahahahaha . . . someone was willing to pay $450 million for the Golden State Warriors? Are we sure that was not for the entire Golden State? I think that is all California is worth these days.

My goodness. This was, quite possibly, the most boring week in the history of sports. Can anyone find anything entertaining that happened this week related to sports? What is that you say? The ESPYs were this week and it was actually somewhat entertaining? Well, of course it was, Seth Meyers was hosting and he called on all his Saturday Night Live friends to help him out. He was even able to make a joke connecting Cheech and Chong, LeBron making his television special a charity event, and the infamous Greg Oden (that's not a bong, it's for my) schlong photo all while talking about the epic (this one goes to) eleven-hour John Isner/Nicolas Mahut Wimbledon match. It went a little something like this:

That match was so long that the ballboys became ballmen. That match was so long Greg Oden took a picture of it and sent it to his girlfriend . . . You may not care for that joke but all the proceeds from it went to the Boys and Girls Club of America. That match was so long that the only guys who ever spent more time on grass together were Cheech and Chong.

That, my friends, is one well put together joke. And, as it turns out, the ESPYs were not the only entertaining thing that happened in sports this week. Here are some of the other things that you might have missed:

• We start off with a non-sports related article. A long, but amazing, read on the day The Price is Right got beat.
• Well established GameTime, TBD© favorite Marisa Miller was out and about not once, but twice this week.
  
• Speaking of lovely ladies, Erin "Pageviews" Andrews finalized her new deal with ESPN/ABC this week, setting up a classic showdown between Erin and Kirk Herbstreit for the "Most Attractive Woman on the Set of College Gameday With the Least Amount of College Football Knowledge" title.
• Now you can watch Michigan home games with 109,900 of your closest friends.
• Here is a status update from the University of Florida.
• We here at GameTime, TBD© have long been a proponent of requiring all schools have a live version of their mascot at all home games. That is why this article makes us said.
• Pacers screw Indianapolis; refuse to cuddle after.
• This story has it all: sports, the United States still screwing over Native Americans, the British being whinny wankers (I've always wanted to use that word in a sentence), and a touch of World/American History.
• It appears time we start protecting baseball players from themselves, as evidenced by this and this.
• Speaking of injuries, gentlemen, if you make it past paragraph six (6), you are a better man than I.

So, as you can see, it was indeed a slow week in sports. But there were some good things in there, right? Right? Oh well. On a happier note, while the sports was busy letting us down, the video Gods were busy blessing us with a wide variety of videos to choose from. But we figured why bother, post them all.

• Do not forget to stretch before your weekly aerobics lesson. [Editor's Note: I feel better already.]
• In a very un-ESPN-like move, ESPN poked fun at itself at the ESPYs.
  
• Dude Perfect (yeah, those basketball "dudes" are still sponsored by GMC) came out to Los Angeles for . . . the donut shot?
• Cheerleader fail . . . twice . . . live on the news.
• Who comes up with products like this and, more importantly, who buys them?
• Ichiro, a female fan, and the greatest reaction in player-runs-into-fan history. Also, props to TSN in Canada for this great highlight.
• And last, but certainly not least, the video that has been making the network rounds this week from some guy who is definitely high on . . . err . . . life, and the inevitable music tribute that followed. Double rainbow all the way! [Editor's Note: sound is a must for both of these very safe for work and very entertaining videos. You. Are. Welcome.]
  

Have a great weekend everyone!

Is This Really Necessary?

I am not sure if a Link Dump is really necessary during the first Friday of the NCAA Tournament, but Miller Lite goes down shockingly easy when UCLA goes through one of its second-half scoring droughts, all my partners are out of the office, and my March Madness on Demand is running a little slow because my firm uses the office equivalent of a 28.8 dial-up modem ("Welcome" . . . pause . . . pause . . . pause . . . "You've got mail." Yes!).

Before I proceed to your weekly news update and dose of entertaining videos (we're video heavy this week too!), I would like to focus your attention on a little something that was posted late last night. Do yourself a favor and check it out before you dive into the Link Dump. Other than that, I do not have much of an introduction for you because . . . well . . . I want to get back to the games. So here are some non-NCAA-basketball-related things you might have missed:

• ESPN paid someone to tell them exactly what we have been telling them free-of-charge.
• Oh, and do you remember that Rick Reilly story we linked to last week about the blind kid shooting free throws? Seems like Mr. Reilly failed to give credit where credit was due . . . you know, like to the guy who first wrote the story three weeks ago.
• "I've never won a medal for pole dancing before. Normally, they just hand me an envelope of money."
• "But I’m sure any straight male that had been in that situation with us would’ve realized pretty fast it wasn’t anything even remotely sexy." I am going to disagree, John. Circle gets the square.
• Lane Kiffin would like you to know it is all part of his master plan. I do not care what his master plan is, so long as Mrs. Lane Kiffin plays a key role.
• Mike Leach is better than you, and he knows it.
  
• Apparently I would be facing multiple felony counts in the state of Washington . . . but I have a feeling my jail cell would not be too empty.
• I know I would be pretty upset too if I had to call a Memphis game in about thirteen hours.
  
• The Florida Marlins seek to show Ray Kinsella that even if you do build it, people will not come.
• Next week, Jessica will ask President Obama to give her presidential lessons as well. Though, he might actually have time.
• "You mark that frame an 8, and you're entering a world of pain." Unfortunately, this is not a repeat.
• Things seem to be going really well over there in Iraq.

Wow, what an uplifting way to end the news portion of the Link Dump. You. Are. Welcome. As I mentioned before, we are video heavy this week, but I have a feeling you are not complaining. In case watching sixteen basketball games over the course of twelve hours starts to get a little unnerving, here are some other things that might help to take the edge off:

• Hey Cindy, I will bracket your tolo . . . err . . . maybe not. [Editor's Note: might want to keep the speakers low on this one.]
• If you watch this video closely, you just might see "The Hoodie" showing a little personality. Go figure.
• And, if you watch this video closely, you just might see a nice pair of headlights. That is live television ladies and gentlemen . . . and my Better Half was worried about typing the word nipples.
• Todd Helton offers up Best Man, services during honeymoon.
• Um . . . yeah . . . I . . . uh . . .
• No Dick, you will not support the smaller conferences.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Oh, Work, Right . . .

This is just one of those days when it is hard to be at work. It is not that I do not have enough work to keep me busy, but rather I have a great weekend ahead of me. As I am sure you will all agree, there is nothing worse than sitting in your office before the start of an awesome weekend, watching the clock slowly change as your productivity drops to next to nothing. Do not lie, you know the feeling.

I am sure that by now I have built so much suspense, you are on the edge of your seat dying to know what I have planned. For starters, the Ryder Cup is upon us. I know most of you out there are a little confused about that, but I am a rare bread: a golf fan even when Tiger is not playing. For starters, played golf in college; and I am not just talking about on the weekend with my friends, but on my school's team. I mean, this tournament is an every-other-year deal, so when it comes around I have got to pay attention. So tracking today's foursome (kinky!) and four-ball (you know, they can fix that) matches is taking up must of my productive work hours (but clearly, it is not affecting my charming sense of humor).

With my butt firmly planted in a seat on the Dodgers' bandwagon (I won't deny it, when it comes to baseball I'm a fair-weather fan), I am hitting up the Dodgers/Giants game tonight so I can watch Manny being Manny live and in person. But that is only the start of what is going to be an amazing weekend. Tomorrow morning I head up the coast to San Francisco for a short two-day visit with my boys [Editor's note: friends, not illegitimate children]. The weekend will include a round of golf on the uber-awesome Lake Course at the Olympic Club, host of the 2012 United States Open, on Saturday afternoon, and the Lions/49ers game on Sunday (remember, we want Hochuli). Throw in the inevitable night of debauchery, and you can see why I am a little distracted by the upcoming weekend.

But never fear, my avid GameTime, TBD© readers, I would never let a great weekend distract me from helping others in need. So here are some things you might have missed this past week to help you get through your Friday afternoon:

• This is becoming a far too common question here on GameTime, TBD©: How does Matt Millen still have a job?
• Far be it for me to tell a midget how to make an honest living.
• Yes, Idaho, I am sure the cheerleaders' "risque" uniforms were distracting the football team and that is why you lost 70-0. You should do something about that.
• After getting spanked at the 2006 Ryder Cup, here are fourteen-and-a-half reasons why a Tiger-less U.S. team will actually win it this year.
• Speaking of a Tiger-less Ryder Cup, no Tiger means no Elin; and no Elin means these pictures of the players' wives are pretty tame. [Editor's Note: My Better Half recently told me that if I was a professional golfer, we would never have a Swedish nanny. I reminded her that Tiger's wife was not his nanny, but rather the nanny of a fellow professional golfer. I contended that we should be the ones who have the Swedish nanny to introduce to other golfers instead of them introducing me to their's. She agreed. To my yet-to-be-conceived son: you can thank me later; for now, I'll be at the range.]
• Short skirts and tight shirts? How could anyone possibly assume this would be a publicity stunt?
• This just in to the GameTime, TBD© news desk, Syracuse University has learned how to travel through time. Oh wait, sorry, it turns out the athletic department is just retarded; but we knew this already.
  
• Finally coming to the realization that they can no longer produce an original idea of quality, ESPN turns to ripping people off . . .
  
• . . . and their summer internships are apparently not that exciting (or the person who wrote this is just a big tool . . . hmm . . . both?)
• The real winner of the USC/Ohio St. game was the counterfeit ticket scalpers. Shocking.

As for your weekly viewing enjoyment, I implore you not to look for any discernible pattern or relationship in the videos. That being said, I think you will find them all to be an excellent escape from the comings and goings of your Friday afternoon:

• Ah, Howard Stern, you really know how to class up a tough news story.
• It has been a tough couple of weeks for skydivers trying to find their way into stadiums. (What's better than one angle? Why, a second angle of course. P.S. - Sorry for the lame peanut animations.)
• Something funny on SNL? Must be politics-related.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Some Things Never Change

This just in: the University of Southern California is playing THE Ohio State University tomorrow. Oh? You knew that already? Weird.

[Editor's Note: before I proceed, I should probably go ahead and remind everyone that, well, I hate USC, and I'm not that big of fan of ESPN either.]

There are some things in this world that will never change: the sky is always blue; the air conditioning in my office is always too cold, even for me; plaintiffs attorneys and defense attorneys will never get along; doctors and teachers on television will always be hotter than real doctors and teachers; and secretary sprawl syndrome will always negatively impact the life of many promising young women, just to name a few. So, a big college football match-up right around the corner, set for primetime on ABC, can only mean one thing: an ESPN media assault the likes of which have not been seen since the allied forces invaded Normandy. Ha, who am I kidding. It was only a month ago that ESPN became the Brett Favre channel; all Brett Favre, all the time. They attached Rachel Nichols to his hip: "Let's go to Rachel Nichols with a Brett Favre update." "Thanks John. I am here in Mississippi and I can confirm to you that Brett Favre just went to the bathroom. He finished his morning coffee about two hours ago, so he is right on schedule." Now that was insightful (side bar: turns out that Green Bay president Mark Murphy is not a big fan of ESPN management. So, throughout the whole Favre drama, he leaked false information to ESPN and told other media outlets the truth. While John Clayton and Chris Mortensen were reporting on the "latest developments", other outlets were reporting that Favre had been traded to the Jets; ESPN was the last to report the biggest story of the summer. Classic, but I digress).

It really was not a surprise to me, then, that the headline on ESPN.com for a great majority of the week was somehow related to the USC/OSU game (oh no, Beanie Wells is a game time decision . . . everybody panic), or that SportsCenter spent half it shows breaking down how the teams match-up by position (also highlighted in the match-up were the direction in which the grass at USC grows vs. the grass at OSU and the type of chalk the schools use to paint the field . . . okay, I made those two up, but would you have been surprised?). Throw in Tom Brady's knee injury and I think SportsCenter showed about three minutes of actual highlights . . . total . . . all week. Now, I do not have plans to watch much, if any of the game, but I am rooting for a blowout. With the amount of money the network has invested in this game, a blowout will ensure that by the second quarter the only people watching the game are in Columbus and Los Angeles, and, by the third quarter, only one of those cities will be left.

Since ESPN will never change how it covers sports (90% of its coverage dedicated to three or four topics), I encourage you to look elsewhere for your sports information. And since GameTime, TBD© will never change in its goal to help get you through your Friday afternoon, here are some things you might have missed (or did miss if you were watching ESPN):

• Here is the breakdown of the USC/OSU game that ESPN did not want you to see.
• Back in 2006, a store out here in Los Angeles offered free furniture if UCLA beat USC; and they did. This is almost as funny.
• Looking for some weekend entertainment in the Phoenix area? Unfortunately, it is time to cross "female applesauce wrestling" off your list options.
• Avid reader Nosh inquires: do you think this guy plays any sports? I have 23,000 reasons to think probably not.
• The headline says it all: The Most Valuable Player in Sport is . . . this Doctor.
• Romosexuals of the world rejoice, Tony is your Good Samaritan of the week.
• It is good to see that Terrell Owens has moved on from his issues with Philadelphia and Donovan McNabb.
• Chad not-so-Ocho Cinco.
• I am just going to throw out a random dollar value: $382.47. Hey, I think I could write for CNBC Sports.
• All good things (myself included) were created in England. So much for America's pastime.
• With Michael Phelps set to host the season premiere of Saturday Night Live this weekend, here is a look at the 10 best performances by an athlete hosting SNL. [Bonus: with videos, and we're not even in the video section yet. Who loves you, baby?]
• Actual quote: "I heard that on the day of Bolt's 100 metres, no one here was killed. Even murder took a holiday for him." Is there anything the Olympics can not do?

The athletes who have hosted SNL are not the only athletes to show off the other talents they possess. For your weekly viewing enjoyment, we take a look at those other athletes of have sought different avenues to express themselves; some good, some not so good:

• Nobody puts Papelbon in a corner.
• My friends and I like joke that Greg Oden is actually the lead singer of a 50's Motown group Greg & The O'Dens (shoo bee do bee do wah, waHHHHHH).
• This Russian decided to mix his two talents, drinking vodka and high jumping, together. [Editor's Note: there are two different links there, each a different angle of the jump.]
• Okay, this video might not be an athlete showing off another talent, but Christopher Walken was "on" the Dan Patrick Show this morning, and he reminded me of my favorite music video of all time.

Have a great weekend everyone!

[Update: It turns out that Le Anne Schreiber feels the same way about ESPN as I do . . . and she works for them!]

It's Been One of Those Weeks...

Friday is finally here, and it did not come fast enough. Over the course of the last 24 to 48 hours I have started feeling pretty crappy. It is either a really, REALLY bad cold or, more likely, a case of bronchitis. I love me some bronchitis. I think I am due for a 15 round (we're going old-school, none of this wussy 12-round action boxers do now-a-days), knock down, drag out fight with bronchitis. It has been a couple years since our previous match-up, and that is about par for the course. If all goes like usual, I will take a couple heavy blows in the first few rounds (god, bronchitis loves his body blows), but I am all about stamina and will save my haymakers for the later rounds when I am likely to score the knockout.

To top the week off, it has been pretty slow in the news department. I mean, there were the obvious topics (Super Tuesday and the New York Giants), but you know I am not trying to find you the obvious. I am looking for the fun and obscure news articles. Besides, no one is surprised that ESPN is serving as Patriots apologists; after all, they spent the week leading up to the Super Bowl declaring the Patriots the best team ever (oh, and Kirk Herbstreit would like us all to know that Les Miles is the Michigan head coach). So, I have traveled to the ends of the internet and back again and I think I have come up with some good stuff. Enjoy!

• This is not really an article, but rather a link to some pictures of Marisa Miller attending the Sports Illustrated Super Bowl party. When you are feeling sick, a little Marisa Miller never hurts. Also, if you are not reading With Leather, you should. It is a great sports blog. Also, ladies, as noted in the post, matching your shoes to your underwear is awesome (and subtly suggestive).
• Now that I have sufficiently insulted most of my female audience (and I'm sure a phone call from my Better Half is forthcoming), I would like to alienate my South Korean readers, a country whose soccer players take dodging the military draft very seriously.
• Headline: "Ref almost blew whistle on Manning." Article: "never close to whistling the play dead." God bless solid journalism.
• Top-ranked high school running back signs with Colorado, where his uncle is a sophomore . . . just let that sink in for a moment . . . there you go.
• Speaking of Colorado, a Congressional representative is now taking a little heat because he stated the obvious . . . derogatory terms are usually not the best way to go though.
• Remember when Ronald Regan chose "Born in the U.S.A." as his campaign song without talking to The Boss or knowing what the song was about? This is kinda the same.
• Two galaxies are giving the Milky Way a gassy UFIA . . . I hate when our UFIA gets gassy.
• The United States is going to try a minor, for actions he committed when he was 15 year sold, for war crimes in Guantanamo Bay. . . this can only end well for us.
• I am sure you have all already read, heard, or seen this story, but it still amazes me every time I look at it. The picture is crazy.

I realize that I may have gotten a little loose with my humor this week. If I offended anyone, I do sincerely apologize (though it REALLY is awesome). I hope to make it up to you with these two clips for your viewing pleasure:

• I know Super Tuesday has come and gone, but the fellas over at Funny or Die would like you to know just how seriously the porn industry takes politics.
• The guy in this video is the whinny kid from Jurassic Park who says the velociraptor skeleton looks like a giant turkey. Seriously. Now imagine Bill Belichick saying that.

Have a great weekend everyone!

When the Cats Away . . .

It has been an incredibly long week for the authors . . . well, I guess that would actually just be author . . . of GameTime, TBD©. As yesterday (that would be Thursday I think) changed from morning to afternoon, I discovered that I had already billed fifty hours this week and still had a day and a half to go. My obvious first thought was to say F-U job and take Friday off, but I was busy for a reason and those deadlines were not going anywhere. Plus, My Better Half left yesterday afternoon to go visit her older sister in Virginia for the weekend, so playing hooky today would not have been all that fun . . . ah, who am I kidding, it would have been great. I would be writing this from my couch (couch, c-o-r . . . are you going to the mall today? That's what I was going to ask.), probably still in my boxers and taking a break from playing BioShock for hours upon end.

Let us face the facts, with My Better Half gone for the weekend, that is what my Saturday is going to be like: ten hours of uninterrupted BioShock time while still in my boxers (there's a nice image for everyone . . . ladies, feel free to stop by and check out the sexiness). I would say my Sunday would look much the same, but there is that little thing called the Super Bowl on Sunday afternoon. I guess I will have to settle for only five hours on Sunday then. It is nice when the cat is away, this mouse gets a chance to be the king of the castle for a few hours. But now I am getting ahead of myself; I still have a half of day of work and a post to finish. So, here are some things you might have missed this week:

• If you had the choice of bringing Gisele Bundchen or your hair stylist to the Super Bowl, which one would you choose? A VICTORIA'S SECRET MODEL . . . or . . . some "dude" with scissors? That is what I thought.
• Excuse me, but do you know if your neighbor beats his wife? No? Well, he is a member of the KKK, right? Well, I am just trying to make sure he is qualified to be a MLB umpire.
• The New England Patriots have nothing on the Trinity squash team, who have won . . . wait a sec, does that say squash team?
• The fall of the Evil Empire has begun. Keep up the good work.
• Without a liquor license for the big game, why would anyone want to go to Hooters to watch the Super Bowl?
• Starbucks to close 1% of its stores in 2008. Hopefully I will still be able to get coffee from the 99 other Starbucks within walking distance of my home.
• When I read that the school was having problems with her "kinky twist", I was really expecting this article to go in a different direction. Bummer.
• Boyfriend moving in at the same time ex-husband is moving out. What could possibly go wrong?

For your afternoon viewing delight, I have two fun clips for you. Both of them come in at over 5 minutes, so they should keep you entertained for a little longer than normal:

• Fox Sports Net provides us with scientific proof that, yes, watching someone getting hit in the nuts is still damn funny.
• I have got to be honest, if given the opportunity, I would too.

Have a great weekend everyone!