By now you all know that one of the Chief's biggest weaknesses is reality television that highlights the worst of American society. And there is no denying that MTv cast out a large hook with its release of Jersey Shore in 2009. The Chief valiantly tried to resist but, ultimately, the bait was too tempting and he got hooked. And the Chief was not the only one; in fact, we have first hand knowledge that several of you, our dear readers, could not resist the temptation either (there goes your aspiring political career). In fact, the American public's new-found infatuation with the "guido culture" has been quite astonishing. So infatuated has the American public become [Editor's Note: thanks, Yoda], a publishing company approached the founder of GuidoFistPump.com, Guido DiErio, and asked if he would be willing to write a book that helped provide the American public world with a better understanding of the guido culture.
The third edition of the Oxford English Dictionary was published on Thursday. Highlights of the 2,000 newest words and phrases to make the big book are "bromance" [Editor's Note: got one], "buzzkill" [Editor's Note: yes, you are], and "vuvuzela".
We really dropped the ball by not providing you all with weekly updates of the McCourt divorce for the past few months. We start now with this weeks fireworks: (1) how Frank milks even more money out of the organization; and (B) how Frank falsified the ownership documents.
ESPN is sick of all the "drama king" athletes and their constant need for media attention . . .
. . . which is why they spend so much time covering Brett Favre and LeBron James and not stories like this.
Looking for the perfect gift for that someone special (well, besides Fist Pump of course)? Here is an idea for you.
Maybe I should pick up a copy of Madden 11after all.
"Time was when they wouldn’t allow you to bring a soda into the stands at the high school gym for fear that you might spill it." Times, they are a changing.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Apparently Eva Longoria's butt is worth twelve eyes.
This week's edition of "Real or Fake?" is brought to you by [*spins wheel* . . . click click click click click, click click click, click . . . click . . . . . click] Roger Federer.
You might think this video deserves the "Real or Fake?" tag as well, but, if you watch golf, you know these guys can do a lot with a club and ball.
Stephen Colbert pulls a Brett Favre, only after making fun of Brett Favre. How many more times can I say Brett Favre? Brett Favre.
So, while we do not have any official Link Dump for you today, we thought a picture of Dr. Elliot Reid might help make you feel better on this Friday as well:
[Face shows mock surprise] Oh, hello there. We did not expect to see you so soon. You might have picked up some small hints that things were getting pretty crazy in the real world and that, as a result, our little corner of the World Wide Web was suffering. Okay, so maybe it was not a hint so much as an outright declaration, but you know how we like to keep you all in the loop. But, thankfully, things quieted down a lot faster than we anticipated and we are back with a fresh and fantastic Link Dump to help get you to that weekend.
As you know, a little over ten weeks ago, the Chief embarked on quest to get himself ready for, and run in, the San Francisco Half Marathon. He set what he thought was a conservative time goal of two hours (a pace of just under 9:10 per mile), but, as he spoke to some more experienced runners, he began to think that goal might be a little to aggressive. After all, this was a man who was twelve years and fifty pounds removed from high school cross country. So, he kept pounding the pavement, going mile after mile, while doubt slowly crept into his head.
So the Chief and My Better Half [Editor's note: wait, what?] traveled to San Francisco; July 25th finally arrived; the race was run. And it is with great pleasure that we report to you, our avid readers and great supporters of the Chief, that he traversed the 13.1 miles in 1:59:33 (9:08 per mile), beating his goal with a full twenty-seven seconds to spare. And then a funny thing happened, except, it is not funny if you know the Chief. In fact, it was downright predictable.
Mixing the Chief with athletic competition never ends well for the athletic competition . . . I mean, the saying "It's a competition, and [the Chief's] in it" didn't just materialize out of nothingness. By the time My Better Half had finished providing her celebratory compliments and kisses [Editor's note: should I be worried?], the following thought had already run through the Chief's head: "If I can run sub-2:00, why can't I run sub-1:55? And if I can run sub-1:55, why can't I run sub-1:45?" And once those thoughts went through his head . . . well . . . it was only a matter of time. By the following Tuesday the Chief had mapped out every workout between July 27, 2010 and February 6, 2011, when he will run not his second, but third half marathon in a little over six months with a sprint-distance triathlon thrown in just for kicks. So mark you calendars for November 14, 2010 (Big Sur Half Marathon in Monterey, CA) and February 6, 2011 (Surf City Half Marathon in Huntington Beach, CA), and get ready for some classic Chief competition stories, because this train is moving down the tracks and there is no stopping it now.
Between you and me, I think the Chief has got a few wires loose upstairs. I mean, do not get us wrong, he is still as smart, witty, and charming as ever, but who wants to train for and run three half marathons in six months? So, while we sit here and carefully watch the Chief for signs of . . . well . . . we do not know what exactly, here are some things you might have missed from the week that was:
You did not think crappy baseball was the only reason people were not showing up to Rays baseball games, did you?
It is nice to see that economists have found a good use for their time during this global economic downturn. You know, like analyzing Jose Cancesco's impact on his teammates.
I am willing to bet having 14.3-times more than the normal ratio of testosterone in your system might make you a little over-aggressive as well.
Deep inside the walls of Bristol, ESPN is probably planning its next great one-hour prime time special. [Editor's Note: don't forget to watch the videos.]
Green Power Ranger successful in MMA debut, guilty of profiting off of lamest catch phrase ever. Rita Repulsa unavailable for poorly-dubbed comment.
Since we deprived you of your weekly source of entertainment for the past two weeks, we decided to make it up to you with a collection of videos that is 14.3-times the normal ratio of awesomeness:
"Hey Janice? Great talk." The best fifty-seven seconds of Vince Vaughn's career. [Editor's Note: that's what she said . . . HEY-OH]
Sorry for the recent lack of activity around these parts, life keeps getting in the way. If any of you know of a good way for us to make a lot of money doing this so that we can quit work, please do no hesitate to contact us at the email address listed in the upper right-hand corner.
Also, we have a couple videos for you. The first is embedded into this post because (1) it is fun to see Jeopardy acknowledge the futility of the Detroit Lions, and (B) the woman's reaction is priceless.
The second video has been making the rounds this week and chances are you have already seen it. Although it is animated and looks like it is meant for kids, the language becomes extremely not safe for work. That being said [Editor's Note: twice in one post? really?], it is a 100% accurate depiction of how consumers respond to new Apple products. Enjoy.
We hope to be back up to full capacity next week. In the meantime, have a great weekend everyone!
Let us see [*flipping through sports sections*] . . . [*dead silence*] . . . ah, yes here we go. The Kings signed Ilya Kolvachuk have made no progress on on the Kolvachuk front. [expletive deleted.]
The Yankees lost two members of their family this week with the passings of Bob Shepard and George Steinbrenner. [*awkward silence*]
The National League won home field advantage at the World Series by beating the American League . . . wait a second, the All Star Game was this week? [*shrugs shoulders*] Oh well.
Ah, here we go the Golden State Warriors were sold to . . . hahahaha . . . hahahahaha . . . someone was willing to pay $450 million for the Golden State Warriors? Are we sure that was not for the entire Golden State? I think that is all California is worth these days.
My goodness. This was, quite possibly, the most boring week in the history of sports. Can anyone find anything entertaining that happened this week related to sports? What is that you say? The ESPYs were this week and it was actually somewhat entertaining? Well, of course it was, Seth Meyers was hosting and he called on all his Saturday Night Live friends to help him out. He was even able to make a joke connecting Cheech and Chong, LeBron making his television special a charity event, and the infamous Greg Oden (that's not a bong, it's for my) schlong photo all while talking about the epic (this one goes to) eleven-hour John Isner/Nicolas Mahut Wimbledon match. It went a little something like this:
That match was so long that the ballboys became ballmen. That match was so long Greg Oden took a picture of it and sent it to his girlfriend . . . You may not care for that joke but all the proceeds from it went to the Boys and Girls Club of America. That match was so long that the only guys who ever spent more time on grass together were Cheech and Chong.
That, my friends, is one well put together joke. And, as it turns out, the ESPYs were not the only entertaining thing that happened in sports this week. Here are some of the other things that you might have missed:
We start off with a non-sports related article. A long, but amazing, read on the day The Price is Rightgot beat.
Speaking of lovely ladies, Erin "Pageviews" Andrews finalized her new deal with ESPN/ABC this week, setting up a classic showdown between Erin and Kirk Herbstreit for the "Most Attractive Woman on the Set of College Gameday With the Least Amount of College Football Knowledge" title.
This story has it all: sports, the United States still screwing over Native Americans, the British being whinny wankers (I've always wanted to use that word in a sentence), and a touch of World/American History.
It appears time we start protecting baseball players from themselves, as evidenced by this and this.
Speaking of injuries, gentlemen, if you make it past paragraph six (6), you are a better man than I.
So, as you can see, it was indeed a slow week in sports. But there were some good things in there, right? Right? Oh well. On a happier note, while the sports was busy letting us down, the video Gods were busy blessing us with a wide variety of videos to choose from. But we figured why bother, post them all.
Do not forget to stretch before your weekly aerobics lesson. [Editor's Note: I feel better already.]
In a very un-ESPN-like move, ESPN poked fun at itself at the ESPYs.
Dude Perfect (yeah, those basketball "dudes" are still sponsored by GMC) came out to Los Angeles for . . . the donut shot?
Cheerleader fail . . . twice . . . live on the news.
Who comes up with products like this and, more importantly, who buys them?
Ichiro, a female fan, and the greatest reaction in player-runs-into-fan history. Also, props to TSN in Canada for this great highlight.
And last, but certainly not least, the video that has been making the network rounds this week from some guy who is definitely high on . . . err . . . life, and the inevitable music tribute that followed. Double rainbow all the way! [Editor's Note: sound is a must for both of these very safe for work and very entertaining videos. You. Are. Welcome.]
We have to be short on the intro because, as can happen from time-to-time, actual work in getting the way. While we would have loved to dive into the LeBron love fest that went down last night on the Evil Empire, time is not on our side today. But we do have time to squeeze in a few quick comments. First, I love that ESPN got out-scoped on LeBron's choice by both Stephen A. Smith (on June 28th), and former-hockey writer/current-Knicks writer Marc Berman of the New York Post (early morning of July 8th). Say what you will about Screamin' A., but that man did not hedge against his sources and was willing to go down with the ship. Second, LeBron, if "loyalty" and "unfinished business" were two of the main factors you considered in making this decision, you should have clarified that you were being loyal to yourself, and that you personally had unfinished business, otherwise you would still be a Cleveland Cavalier. As this whole process has shown, LeBron is a lot more self-centered than we all once thought. But he made that perfectly clear when he talked about not having to share the spotlight with Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh, but rather each player having their own spotlight. And here I always thought basketball was a team game.
One last note, if you happen to be in the Chief's presence anytime soon, I strongly recommend not mentioning the words "Ilya Kolvachuk". Kolvachuk and Kings' GM Dean Lombardi are still dancing the free agency dance. The Kings have been in and out of the negotiations more times than the guy that took the head cheerleader to prom (HEY-OH!). I think the Chief has aged about five years in the past week. But if you have about three hours to spare, want to see some post-4th of July fireworks, and are in the presence of the Chief, go ahead and mention it. We double dog dare you.
Is it too early to call this the "Headline of the Century"?
Okay, since I took too long with the intro, we are skipping any witty banter (Ilya Kolvachuk), and moving right into (Ilya Kolvachuk) a set of clips sure to make your Friday afternoon (Ilya Kolvachuk . . . man, if you could only see the Chief's face right now) that much more enjoyable.
I guarantee one of these girls could have sealed the deal with Ilya Kolvachuk by now . . . or was the head cheerleader on prom night (HEY-OH!).
With Jimmy Kimmel in re-runs this week, I decided to go with one of my all-time favorite "This Week in Unnecessary Censorship" clips: the Sesame Streetedition.
This video has been declared "the best own goal" in soccer history. I can not say I disagree.
Yes, this video may make you feel uncomfortable. Yes, it is totally worth it.
It is well documented that the Chief is a big fan of the 4th of July. His parties are, well, legen . . . wait for it . . . dary, and, if his invitation to this year's festivities is any indication (it's hard not to get excited for party when the invitation starts "Setting aside the fact the Declaration of Independence wasn't officially signed until August 2, 1776, that ID4 was released to some theaters on July 2 (wait, what?), and Zach Morris voted for Kelly Kapowski over Stacy Corroci at the Miss Malibu Sands pageant, that special time of year is right around the corner." . . . but I digress), we are in for another great one. After all, America deserves to celebrate its 234th birthday in style.
That being said, their are whispers floating around the office that the Chief is not as ready for the party as he usually is, that he is distracted. To those whispering I say, "Well, duh". Everyone knows the lone wild card in the Chief's 4th of July party planning is that July 1st marks the start of the free agency signing period in the NHL. Usually, the start of free agency serves as only a minor distraction to the Chief, just a blip on the radar. But not this year. Everyone knows the biggest name on free agent market is Ilya Kolvachuk, a player who is a legitimate threat to score every time he steps on the ice. He is the type of player the Kings have not had since Ziggy Palffy was in his prime, and the type of player they avoided trying to invest to heavily in during the rebuilding process (which, the Chief readily admits was both frustrating and the right decision). Well, the rebuilding process is over, the Kings are one of the up-and-coming franchises in the league, and for the past week the news has all been about how the Kings are the front runner in the Kolvachuk sweepstakes. Do you know what that kind of hype does to a die-hard Kings fan?
But rest assured, dear readers, approve them his did. Of course, that was immediately followed by a string of expletives when Kevin Allan of the USA Today posted "Kings apparently were bridesmaid on Hamhuis and Paul Martin on Day 1. They wanted one of the big name D Men." on his twitter page. Seriously people, we are at DEFCON 2 here; I am worried we may see a grown man cry by the end of the day and we can not say for sure whether they will be tears of joy or tears of sadness. Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and ask, "Is this really my life?" Do not answer that. Rather, just enjoy these things you might have missed from the past week:
Marisa Miller attended the Eclipse premiere for God knows what reason, but at least she looked good doing it . . . and managed to give some oogling teenager his first . . . er . . . "man moment".
There is a porn star participating in the 2010 World Series of Poker. Insert poke-her pun here.
It should not be hard to spot the reason this Q&A with Erin Pageviews is getting posted. Here is a hint, it is not because of the pictures.
Rumor has it we finished a close second in the voting. At least we lost out to one of the best around.
Only in Canada do parents attempt to profit from their inability to pass along athletic genes to their children.
"No, youstay classy, anonymous Phish fan who took cell phone pics of a bottomless teenager." [Editor's Note: (1) the girl is of-age, and (b) there is a story associated with the link.]
MLB has found a way to legalize gambling on baseball while also screwing over its fans. Bravo to you, Bud Selig.
Early candidate for "Best Name of 2012 College Recruiting Class" has committed to Tulane; hopes to be drafted by Green Bay.
"But I feel very comfortable with it and it also helps my physical performance." [Editor's Note: that's what she said!]
What? No Kobayashi? What has Major League Eating come to? [Editor's note: nice picture choice Wall Street Journal.]
We usually head to lunch not long after the Link Dump goes live, and normally the Chief is very opinionated about where we go. Well, you can throw that out the window today: "I don't care where we go, as long as it has ESPN News on." This from the guy who has been driving the anti-ESPN bandwagon for past two years. NHL free agency, it is fantastic. Speaking of fantastic, here are some clips for your viewing enjoyment:
It would not be Friday without some vigorous thrusting. [Editor's note: that's what she said (sometimes it's just too easy)!]
Might as well get our other weekly tradition out of the way now. Here is your weekly dose of mocking of FCC.
From the YouTube description: "A cinematic study on the social phenomenon that is 'Man Smacks.' The application of 'Man Smacks,' in simple English, allows two men to embrace each other affectionately while preserving their desire to be perceived as heterosexual."
This will come as a surprise to exactly no one: we are nerds. Thus, we are posting the trailer for the last Harry Potter movie(s). That is all.
"There are no grenades in Miami." Oh, Jersey Shore, welcome back.
I will never drive a minivan. Oh, it is a Swagger Wagon? Nevermind then.
Happy Birthday America! Please be safe. Have a great weekend everyone!
It is amazing how much things can change over the course of a forty-five minute drive into work. I got up extra early this morning so I could get to the gym, get home, get showered and shaved, and be ready for work in time to watch the first half of the (now-infamous) United States versus Slovenia World Cup match. Then I would get in my car and listen to the second half on the radio while I drove (because, you know, as ESPN has told us all throughout the World Cup, this game is available on ESPN, ESPNRadio, and ESPN3.com). Well, after the first half, I was all set to write an introduction about how it is just another disappointing run for the US at the World Cup. But now, thanks to that forty-five minute drive, I get to complain about ESPN instead, which is even better.
You see, listening to the game on ESPNRadio apparently means listen to the game streaming over the internet via ESPNRadio, NOT listen to the game on your local ESPNRadio affiliate. No sir. In case you did not know, the Lakers won the NBA Championship last night, and our local ESPNRadio affiliate here in Los Angeles also happens to be the home station of Los Angeles Lakers basketball. So what was on ESPNRadio here in Los Angeles this morning? "Twenty-four hours of Lakers' championship coverage." That right there is their words, not mine. So, while most of you [Editor's Note: if you have been fastidiously avoiding all mention of the final results of the US/Slovenia game, please skip to the next paragraph] were enjoying the United States' dramatic comeback/subsequent referee hose job (when is a win a draw? well, apparently we learned that today), I was frantically surfing the radio searching for at least some score updates. Thankfully, my boy Dan Patrick came through, like he always does, with "World Cup-dates" after every commercial break. As if I was not over ESPN enough already, maybe next time they will make sure all their affiliates are on board or be a little more specific as what "listen to the game on ESPNRadio" means. (Side note: and, as if I needed one more reason to hate 710ESPN here in Los Angeles . . . I don't even think die-hard Lakers fans want 24 hours of coverage).
Welcome back to those of you who skipped ahead to avoid learning the results of the game. Even with all that venting, I am still a little fired up. So, in order to avoid possibly saying something that will get me in trouble, I am just going to dive into the stuff you came to see:
Erin Pageviews is ready to play the field. What a . . . err . . . nevermind. [Editor's Note: SUCK IT, ESPN! . . . yup, still bitter.]
FIFA is, perhaps, the only organization in the world that would be angry about a group of thirty hot, Dutch blonds showing up at their event.
Speaking of hot blonds associated with the World Cup, my money is on Clancy . . . but you knew this already.
"Because nothing says good old fashioned Christianity than beating a loved one to death over a remote control."
A lot has been going in the NFL . . . the what? . . . over the past few weeks. I will let Deadspinsummarize it all for you.
So let me get this straight, the whole team was suspended and then two players were suspended on top of that? Suspended from what at that point?
"Sometimes you think you have true love and then you catch the early flight home from San Diego and a couple of nude people jump out of your bathroom blindfolded like a goddamn magic show ready to double team your girlfriend . . ."
Man, I know that last one is not really sports related, but still . . . damn. Also, anything that gives me the opportunity to throw in an Old School reference is deserving of a spot in the Link Dump. Speaking of deserving of a spot, here are some videos that fit that description quite nicely:
Admit it, after four weeks, your Fridays are not bearable until you have had the chance to watch this.
Speaking of great, entertaining music videos, OK Go made another one.
Ron Artest is crazy. If you could possibly need any more proof of this, check outRon-Ron's post-game interview from last night.
I am going to say this is fifty percent real, fifty percent fake, and one hundred percent awesome.
Your "Marisa Miller Link of the Week" comes courtesy of a banned Guitar Hero commercial. [Editor's Note: insert "Marisa Miller can bang my drum any day of the week" joke here . . . wait, what?]
Unfortunately, all of this celebrating is going to leave us with no time to get out our weekly dose of entertainment, otherwise known as the Link Dump, for you tomorrow. But we did not want to leave you empty handed like we may have done a couple weeks ago. Since this post is in honor of my Better Half and her birthday, I offered her the opportunity to pick a picture to tide people over for the next week; you know, give our lady-readers something to appreciate. I told her to pick one of her "Celebrity 5". So, here is our offering to you, in honor of my Better Half. She would like you all to take a moment and enjoy a look or two at Kristen Bell . . . wait, what? Nice!
Everything is right in the world. The sun rose in the east this morning (I think), USC got what it deserved (and then some) from the NCAA, and my Better Half wants to spend her birthday oogling pictures of Kristen Bell (and send my fantasy radar to record levels). If some one could please figure out what I did to deserve all this awesomeness, and let me know, I would greatly appreciate it.
Seriously people, this week can not get any better. Oh wait . . . it can.
To all of our avid readers, have a great weekend!
To my Better Half, "congratulalations", happy birthday, I love you.
[Editor's Note: In support of the Chief's half marathon training, we have decided all Link Dump titles will be running related, usually drawing inspiration from movies or song. Also, training seems to be going pretty well for the Big Guy. You track his progress over there to right . . . now down a little . . . to the right . . . there you go.]
So, we ended up taking an unexcused absence last week on account of Memorial Day weekend and some trouble with the "standard" maintenance my car went in for last Thursday. Long story short, it looked for a brief moment like I was going to be taking the dealer's loaner car to Palm Springs for "Sausagefest 2010", but they got it done in time. And, yes, we dropped the ball by not even getting you at least a little eye candy to make, what I am sure was, a short Friday at the office even better (As a token of my goodwill, I present to you a gift: these two droids).
Well, it certainly is not our intention to bum anyone out on a Friday. So we feel it is only appropriate to find the best, most entertaining stories from the past week or so to help get you through the rest of your Friday. What is that you say? You would not mind some more attractive ladies? Well, I think we can accommodate that:
If England seems a little tense during its opening match against the United States next week, I think we will all know why. In related news, Abigail Clancy--fiancee to English striker Peter Crouch--is hot.
Surprise, surprise. No one likes the new ball designed specially for the World Cup.
Even Brazilian sex workers are trying to cash in on the World Cup craze (no, we are not talking about that . . . get your mind out of the gutter).
Apparently steroids do not have as great of affect on the player's ability to go deep as we thought. And, yes, cropping that photo was totally uncalled for by Yahoo!. Allow us to correct their mistake.
As much as I dislike the San Francisco Giants, I do love me a good, funny Tim Lincecum story.
I actually strongly disagree with this man's suggestion. Believe it or not, they do actually hate each other that much.
I actually have a lot to say on that last topic, and it is something we plan on addressing in the upcoming weeks. First, we have to get the Chief [Editor's note: *insert sheepish grin and shoulder shrug here*] to finish up the Kings year-in-review piece he has been writing, re-writing, and re-re-writing for the past few weeks. So, while we go lecture him on the art of closing [Editor's note: which I, myself, did not master until I met my Better Half], here are some videos for you all to enjoy on this fine Friday:
Today does feel like it is going to be a great day, but probably not for the same reason as his. . . .
I sincerely hope you bit the bullet and proposed to your better half before this video hit "the net". If not, sucks to be you . . . or, do whatever you can to make sure she never learns of its existence . . . but let us be honest, twenty of her girlfriends have already forwarded it to her saying something like, "he's made you wait 5 years, so he better do something like this." Yes, my friend, you. are. screwed.
