My more astute readers will recognize the title of this post from a movie; other readers will simply assume that this post will, as many of my posts do, cover a topic somewhat related to sports. In this case, all of you are correct (everyone's a winner).
"If it's almost a sport, we've got it here" was, of course, the slogan for ESPN8, "The Ocho," in Dodgeball. Now, you are probably as surprised as I am that ESPN has not yet expanded all the way out to ESPN8. I mean, ESPN2 has been around since October of 1993 (ah, do you remember the good ol' days of "The Deuce?" All the shows had to have a "2" in them: Baseball2Nite, NHL2Nite...memories). They added ESPNews in 1996 and purchased Classic Sports Network in 1997, rebranding it to ESPN Classic. Throw in ESPN Deportes, which launched in 2004, and ESPNU, which launched in 2005, and ESPN is closer than they think. That is six channels right there. Come on George Bodenheimer, is it that hard to come up with gimmicks for two more stations? Once you get to eight, there is a slogan ripe for the picking.
Now, you may be wondering why I am so anxious for ESPN to expand out to its eighth channel, especially since it already has a dominating grip over the entire sports industry. Well my friends, that is because I know the perfect show to be the center piece of "The Ocho"'s programing. It is not actually a sport, but it is close (you might say it's "almost a sport"...funny how that works). It is a show that already aired on television, from 1989-1996, with surprising success. It is a show that I used to watch on Saturday mornings whenever I could sneak away long enough from my Mom. No, I am not talking about the WWE (better known as the WWF during the 1990s, you know, before they were sued by the World Wildlife Fund in 2000). I am talking about this:
That is right ladies and gentlemen, I am calling for the return of American Gladiators! What you have just witnessed (assuming you actually watched the video) was, perhaps, one of the greatest television moments of the early 1990s. Just listen to how excited announcers Mike Adamle and Dan Clark and the crowd get. And that, my friends, is only a small part of the greatness that is American Gladiators. How can forget such competitions as Atlasphere, Powerball, Breakthrough and Conquer, Assault, Human Cannonball, Hang Tough, Gauntlet, The Maze, and, of course The Eliminator? And what about the classic Gladiators like Nitro, Blaze, Laser, Gemini, Lace, Diamond, Ice, and Turbo? (If you ask me, the producers should have kept Malibu around for more than one season...look at that hair.)
Now, I am not just talking about re-airing the originals (hell, ESPN already does that seven nights a week on ESPN Classic...why haven't I set the Tivo for this yet?). What I am saying is that ESPN should bring it back, brand new. They should film new episodes and let their marketing machine make it the next big reality show. Bring back as many of the original Gladiators as possible (assuming the steroids haven't killed them off already); bring in any new Gladiators as needed; keep all of the games, but updated as necessary for the twenty-first century; and let the good times roll (I believe it is also important that Mike Adamle return as the main host, but that he be reunited with his first season co-host...Joe Theismann...I mean, last time I checked Theismann had a little extra time on his hands). It cannot be that hard. As it turns out, "Gladiator Arena" is still standing and in working order on the CBS Studios lot, open for tours daily (wait a sec, "Gladiator Arena" is open for tours daily? How did I miss this? It's unbelievable).
If I knew the first thing about starting a petition, I would start one immediately. Instead, I will wait for someone else to start one while I enjoy my re-runs on ESPN Classic. But rest assured, when someone out there finally starts a petition to bring back American Gladiators, I will be the first person to sign it (with my friend Money Bags a close second).
In the meantime, I recommend Mr. Bodenheimer gets cracking on ESPN7 because "The Ocho" express is ready to pull into the station.
[Update: Since I mentioned the golden locks of Malibu above, I thought I'd add one more video...this one focused on Malibu and his surfer persona. Enjoy!]
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Stop Me If You've Heard This Before...
I am not a big fan of change; not many people are. I do not fear change, like so many people out there do, I just do not like it. The biggest change I am dealing with right now is remembering to introduce my Better Half as my fiance and not my girlfriend. I am also coming to terms with the fact that I will never have a summer vacation again. As I flipped my calender over to May, I recalled how at this time last year (actually, this time every year for past 7 years...You know, a lot of people go to college for 7 years. I know, they're called doctors), I was getting ready to take finals and headed towards summer vacation. Sure, my summer "vacation" entailed studying for the California Bar Exam, but it was still summer and you can study outside in the sun. Now, as I stare out my office window, I see that June, July, and August are right around the corner and there is no summer vacation coming with it (ugh!).
The arrival of May also means that I have only a few more months until my lease is up and, come August, I will have to pack up all my "stuff" and move. I moved a lot when I was younger, so moving is always kind of hard for me. I usually get very attached to the place I live and hate to move. Thankfully, I do not particularly like where I am living right now (with the exception of the fact that I'm living with my Better Half), so I am actually looking forward to moving. It still, however, means yet another change in my life, and all these changes start to add up. As the changes begin to add up, I start to get more stressed. It is nice to know, then, that some things never change.
Opening the Los Angeles Times sports page this morning, it appears the Los Angeles Dodgers have once again finished April in first place in the National League West. Since I can remember being a Dodger fan, it seems as though every season, with few exceptions, the Dodgers are at or near the top of the NL West after April. You would think their fast starts would translate to success late in the season, but that is not the case. Since the Dodgers won the World Series in 1988 (I can remember it like yesterday, Gibby rounding the bases pumping his fist...the guy could barely walk), they have only made it the playoffs four times and have won exactly one (1) playoff game since then. They have been swept three of the four times they have made it to the post season since 1988. Pathetic. While I appreciate the Dodgers' early season success, I have learned to not get my hopes up. Let us wait and see where things stand in August, then I might get excited. After all, it is like my brother-in-law said after my Dodgers swept his Giants: "It's only April." (Speaking of the San Francisco Giants, I'd like to comment on Barry Bonds' chase to break Hank Aaron's career home run record. I hate Barry Bonds, more than I hate the Giants...and I hate them a lot. I have no doubt he's knowingly juiced it up in the past, and likely still does today. But here's the thing, I'm actually rooting for him to break the record. Baseball turned a blind-eye to steroids for many years...nearly a decade, if not longer. It was steroids that helped bring the fans back after the 1994 player strike. And now that baseball's most sacred record is dangerously close to being broken, by a personality (Bonds) that no one particularly likes, he's become the scapegoat for baseball's problems. I still don't like Bonds, but I want him to break the record so that major league baseball gets what it deserves....but I digress)
It is also nice to know that my Detroit Lions never change. I spent this past weekend in upstate New York visiting my grandparents, aunt and uncle. As an added bonus, my two cousins were also in town. One of my cousins is a huge Cleveland Browns fan, so we decided to take some time out of the weekend to watch some of the NFL draft. I was very excited to see what my Detroit Lions were going to do with the second overall pick (I guess it pays to have the worst record in the NFL since 2001), especially with the Raiders going after their franchise quarterback with the first overall pick. With so many options, I was holding my breath when NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stepped to the podium and announced: "With the second pick in the 2007 NFL draft, the Detroit Lions select Calvin Johnson, wider receiver, Georgia Tech." [I'd like to take a moment to complement Roger Goodell on the excellent job he's done in his first year as NFL Commissioner. First, he's worked hard attempting to clean up the NFL's image, what with all the problems players have been having with the law lately (see, e.g., Adam "Pacman" Jones, Chris Henry, and Tank Johnson). He also made the classy move of inviting of Brady Quinn to stay in his private room during the draft when Quinn's stock began to stumble and the press began to pounce (I've never seen someone go from hate to love quicker than my cousin on Saturday...he was going to kill the Browns if they took Quinn with the third pick, he hated the idea of Quinn in a Browns uniform...but when they traded up for an additional first round pick to take him, it was instant man crush...with good reason I guess). We all remember watching Aaron Rodgers, a potential number one overall pick in the 2005 draft, sitting in the Green Room all by himself until he was picked 24th by the Green Bay Packers. Goodell wasn't going to let that happen.]
As you may recall, a couple of months I discussed how the only option was for the Lions to take Joe Thomas, an offensive tackle from Wisconsin. They had just traded for a right tackle and could strengthen the line with a left tackle. But at the time I was still focused on hockey and preparing for March Madness; I was not thinking straight. About a week ago, I started to focus on the draft and I began to realize taking Calvin Johnson was exactly what the Lions needed to do. First, I forgot that the Lions have Jeff Backus at left tackle. Their first round pick in the 2001 NFL Draft, Backus has started all ninety-six games for the Lions over the past six seasons. When they obtained Foster from Denver, the Lions had securely anchored their offensive line for years to come. A quarterback was not necessary that early in the draft, as quarterbacks picked early in the first round tend to be busts. Plus, Jon Kitna is more that a serviceable quarterback. He has a great presence in both the pocket and the locker room and threw for over 4,000 yards last year with Roy Williams and Mike Furrey (who?) as his primary receivers (plus, they took Drew Stanton in the second round). Yes, yes, I know it is the forth time in five years that the Lions have selected a wide-receiver in the Top 10. But as I told my cousin the day before the draft: one of the receivers (Charles Rogers) is no longer on the team; another (Mike Williams) played maybe eight snaps in the 2006 season (and was actually traded in the forth round of the draft); Calvin Johnson is, far and away, the best athlete in the draft (he's a freak); and, as the Indianapolis Colts proved last season, a great offense can win you a championship. Matt Millan, I salute you for a job well done.
Now all I have to do is start planning a wedding...breathe BAP, just breathe.
The arrival of May also means that I have only a few more months until my lease is up and, come August, I will have to pack up all my "stuff" and move. I moved a lot when I was younger, so moving is always kind of hard for me. I usually get very attached to the place I live and hate to move. Thankfully, I do not particularly like where I am living right now (with the exception of the fact that I'm living with my Better Half), so I am actually looking forward to moving. It still, however, means yet another change in my life, and all these changes start to add up. As the changes begin to add up, I start to get more stressed. It is nice to know, then, that some things never change.
Opening the Los Angeles Times sports page this morning, it appears the Los Angeles Dodgers have once again finished April in first place in the National League West. Since I can remember being a Dodger fan, it seems as though every season, with few exceptions, the Dodgers are at or near the top of the NL West after April. You would think their fast starts would translate to success late in the season, but that is not the case. Since the Dodgers won the World Series in 1988 (I can remember it like yesterday, Gibby rounding the bases pumping his fist...the guy could barely walk), they have only made it the playoffs four times and have won exactly one (1) playoff game since then. They have been swept three of the four times they have made it to the post season since 1988. Pathetic. While I appreciate the Dodgers' early season success, I have learned to not get my hopes up. Let us wait and see where things stand in August, then I might get excited. After all, it is like my brother-in-law said after my Dodgers swept his Giants: "It's only April." (Speaking of the San Francisco Giants, I'd like to comment on Barry Bonds' chase to break Hank Aaron's career home run record. I hate Barry Bonds, more than I hate the Giants...and I hate them a lot. I have no doubt he's knowingly juiced it up in the past, and likely still does today. But here's the thing, I'm actually rooting for him to break the record. Baseball turned a blind-eye to steroids for many years...nearly a decade, if not longer. It was steroids that helped bring the fans back after the 1994 player strike. And now that baseball's most sacred record is dangerously close to being broken, by a personality (Bonds) that no one particularly likes, he's become the scapegoat for baseball's problems. I still don't like Bonds, but I want him to break the record so that major league baseball gets what it deserves....but I digress)
It is also nice to know that my Detroit Lions never change. I spent this past weekend in upstate New York visiting my grandparents, aunt and uncle. As an added bonus, my two cousins were also in town. One of my cousins is a huge Cleveland Browns fan, so we decided to take some time out of the weekend to watch some of the NFL draft. I was very excited to see what my Detroit Lions were going to do with the second overall pick (I guess it pays to have the worst record in the NFL since 2001), especially with the Raiders going after their franchise quarterback with the first overall pick. With so many options, I was holding my breath when NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stepped to the podium and announced: "With the second pick in the 2007 NFL draft, the Detroit Lions select Calvin Johnson, wider receiver, Georgia Tech." [I'd like to take a moment to complement Roger Goodell on the excellent job he's done in his first year as NFL Commissioner. First, he's worked hard attempting to clean up the NFL's image, what with all the problems players have been having with the law lately (see, e.g., Adam "Pacman" Jones, Chris Henry, and Tank Johnson). He also made the classy move of inviting of Brady Quinn to stay in his private room during the draft when Quinn's stock began to stumble and the press began to pounce (I've never seen someone go from hate to love quicker than my cousin on Saturday...he was going to kill the Browns if they took Quinn with the third pick, he hated the idea of Quinn in a Browns uniform...but when they traded up for an additional first round pick to take him, it was instant man crush...with good reason I guess). We all remember watching Aaron Rodgers, a potential number one overall pick in the 2005 draft, sitting in the Green Room all by himself until he was picked 24th by the Green Bay Packers. Goodell wasn't going to let that happen.]
As you may recall, a couple of months I discussed how the only option was for the Lions to take Joe Thomas, an offensive tackle from Wisconsin. They had just traded for a right tackle and could strengthen the line with a left tackle. But at the time I was still focused on hockey and preparing for March Madness; I was not thinking straight. About a week ago, I started to focus on the draft and I began to realize taking Calvin Johnson was exactly what the Lions needed to do. First, I forgot that the Lions have Jeff Backus at left tackle. Their first round pick in the 2001 NFL Draft, Backus has started all ninety-six games for the Lions over the past six seasons. When they obtained Foster from Denver, the Lions had securely anchored their offensive line for years to come. A quarterback was not necessary that early in the draft, as quarterbacks picked early in the first round tend to be busts. Plus, Jon Kitna is more that a serviceable quarterback. He has a great presence in both the pocket and the locker room and threw for over 4,000 yards last year with Roy Williams and Mike Furrey (who?) as his primary receivers (plus, they took Drew Stanton in the second round). Yes, yes, I know it is the forth time in five years that the Lions have selected a wide-receiver in the Top 10. But as I told my cousin the day before the draft: one of the receivers (Charles Rogers) is no longer on the team; another (Mike Williams) played maybe eight snaps in the 2006 season (and was actually traded in the forth round of the draft); Calvin Johnson is, far and away, the best athlete in the draft (he's a freak); and, as the Indianapolis Colts proved last season, a great offense can win you a championship. Matt Millan, I salute you for a job well done.
Now all I have to do is start planning a wedding...breathe BAP, just breathe.
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