If It's Almost a Sport, We've Got It Here!

My more astute readers will recognize the title of this post from a movie; other readers will simply assume that this post will, as many of my posts do, cover a topic somewhat related to sports. In this case, all of you are correct (everyone's a winner).

"If it's almost a sport, we've got it here" was, of course, the slogan for ESPN8, "The Ocho," in Dodgeball. Now, you are probably as surprised as I am that ESPN has not yet expanded all the way out to ESPN8. I mean, ESPN2 has been around since October of 1993 (ah, do you remember the good ol' days of "The Deuce?" All the shows had to have a "2" in them: Baseball2Nite, NHL2Nite...memories). They added ESPNews in 1996 and purchased Classic Sports Network in 1997, rebranding it to ESPN Classic. Throw in ESPN Deportes, which launched in 2004, and ESPNU, which launched in 2005, and ESPN is closer than they think. That is six channels right there. Come on George Bodenheimer, is it that hard to come up with gimmicks for two more stations? Once you get to eight, there is a slogan ripe for the picking.

Now, you may be wondering why I am so anxious for ESPN to expand out to its eighth channel, especially since it already has a dominating grip over the entire sports industry. Well my friends, that is because I know the perfect show to be the center piece of "The Ocho"'s programing. It is not actually a sport, but it is close (you might say it's "almost a sport"...funny how that works). It is a show that already aired on television, from 1989-1996, with surprising success. It is a show that I used to watch on Saturday mornings whenever I could sneak away long enough from my Mom. No, I am not talking about the WWE (better known as the WWF during the 1990s, you know, before they were sued by the World Wildlife Fund in 2000). I am talking about this:



That is right ladies and gentlemen, I am calling for the return of American Gladiators! What you have just witnessed (assuming you actually watched the video) was, perhaps, one of the greatest television moments of the early 1990s. Just listen to how excited announcers Mike Adamle and Dan Clark and the crowd get. And that, my friends, is only a small part of the greatness that is American Gladiators. How can forget such competitions as Atlasphere, Powerball, Breakthrough and Conquer, Assault, Human Cannonball, Hang Tough, Gauntlet, The Maze, and, of course The Eliminator? And what about the classic Gladiators like Nitro, Blaze, Laser, Gemini, Lace, Diamond, Ice, and Turbo? (If you ask me, the producers should have kept Malibu around for more than one season...look at that hair.)

Now, I am not just talking about re-airing the originals (hell, ESPN already does that seven nights a week on ESPN Classic...why haven't I set the Tivo for this yet?). What I am saying is that ESPN should bring it back, brand new. They should film new episodes and let their marketing machine make it the next big reality show. Bring back as many of the original Gladiators as possible (assuming the steroids haven't killed them off already); bring in any new Gladiators as needed; keep all of the games, but updated as necessary for the twenty-first century; and let the good times roll (I believe it is also important that Mike Adamle return as the main host, but that he be reunited with his first season co-host...Joe Theismann...I mean, last time I checked Theismann had a little extra time on his hands). It cannot be that hard. As it turns out, "Gladiator Arena" is still standing and in working order on the CBS Studios lot, open for tours daily (wait a sec, "Gladiator Arena" is open for tours daily? How did I miss this? It's unbelievable).

If I knew the first thing about starting a petition, I would start one immediately. Instead, I will wait for someone else to start one while I enjoy my re-runs on ESPN Classic. But rest assured, when someone out there finally starts a petition to bring back American Gladiators, I will be the first person to sign it (with my friend Money Bags a close second).

In the meantime, I recommend Mr. Bodenheimer gets cracking on ESPN7 because "The Ocho" express is ready to pull into the station.

[Update: Since I mentioned the golden locks of Malibu above, I thought I'd add one more video...this one focused on Malibu and his surfer persona. Enjoy!]