The State of the Union (Undressed)

The following is an exact transcript of BAP's State of the Union (Undressed), as aired on....well, as it would have appeared if aired on anything:

Family, friends, avid readers, fellow bloggers, pop-culture gurus, random visitors, and internet users of the world:

Your love of my illustrious genius brings us together at a defining hour -- when stupidity is common and some good old-fashioned tough love is needed. We enter the year 2007 with many celebrity meltdowns underway, and others that are sure to begin. In all of this, much is asked of BAP. I must have the will to face deteriorating sports franchises and outrageous cultural icons -- and the wisdom to make my adoring fans laugh about them while learning along the way. (Pause for applause.)

Some on this site are new to GameTime, TBD© -- and I congratulate you for seeing the light. (Pause for applause.) BAP has changed, but not my responsibilities. I am guided by my own convictions -- and to these I must stay somewhat devoted. Yet I'm not held to any real standard, and called to serve only my purposes: To extend my readers' knowledge of worthless pop culture information; to spend my parent's money unwisely; to solve the meaning of life, not leave it for future generations to discover; to guard GameTime, TBD© readers against all evil general managers; and to keep faith that they will continue to provide me with material to keep those readers entertained. (Pause for applause.)

It's not the first time I've come here with a team in turmoil and celebrity private parts in open air. Like none before me, I can make sense out of the senseless, and achieve big things for the GameTime, TBD© readers. My readers don't much care which point of view I present -- as long as I'm willing to be funny when there is work to be done. (Pause for applause.) My job is to make life better for my avid readers, and to help them to build a future of knowledge and happiness -- and this is the business before us tonight.

First, we must find Terrell Owens a brain. (Pause for applause.) We can do so without affecting any other person on this planet. (Pause for applause.) Apparently, Mr. Owens believes that Bill "the Big Tuna" Parcells held the Cowboys' offense back this season. However, when the Big Tuna took over the team three seasons ago, the Cowboys' offense was fifth worse in the league. This past season the Cowboys' offense ranked fourth best in league. I would say that Mr. Owens' league-leading eighteen dropped passes did not contribute to the success of the offense. In the coming weeks, I will search the country for a suitable brain for Terrell Owens. (Pause for applause.) I ask you to make the same commitment. Together, we can find a brain that will provide Terrell Owens with common sense, and we can make the NFL a better league. (Pause for applause.)

Next, there is the matter of crime and punishment. It has become apparent that professional athletes have entered the realm of TV land -- a land where one's mistakes are forgiven with few, if any, consequences. (Pause for Laughter). In the past nine months, the same amount of time it takes a woman to carry a pregnancy to term, nine Cincinnati Bengals have been arrested a total of thirteen times. However, only one of these players was suspended by the NFL, and it was only for two games. Then there is Terry "Tank" Johnson, who plays for the Super Bowl bound Chicago Bears. Johnson gets to play in the Super Bowl after he was arrested for unlawful possession of six unregistered firearms and after he attend a party with a friend who was subsequently shot to death. It was Johnson's third arrest in the last eighteen months and the police have been called to his home more than thirty times during that period of time. Yet Johnson, who is without 550 rounds of ammunition seized from his home, gets to travel and play in the Super Bowl. It is like Donna Martin getting to graduate after she got hammered at the prom. (Pause for laughter.) All this is happening, however, while a twenty-year-old boy serves the third year of a mandatory ten year sentence after being arrested under an archaic Georgia law. Genarlow Wilson should be in the middle of his junior year at an Ivy League college playing Division I football. Though I do not condone the actions of Mr. Wilson, the potential of a stand out football player and honor roll student should not be wasted away in a state prison while others are allowed to live their everyday life without appreciating the true consequences of their actions. The time has come to end this practice. So let us work together to demand more from professional athletes and league officials, force people to live with the consequences of their actions, and not let someone get a free pass just because they make someone else a lot of money. (Pause for applause.)

Spreading opportunity and hope to my avid readers requires public figures that can serve as roll models to provide my readers with the knowledge and character they need in life. (Pause for applause.) Two such people come to mind: Eldrick "Tiger" Woods and Roger Federer. These two individuals have dominated their respective sports over the past half decade like no one else; Tiger just won his seventh straight PGA Tour event and Federer his tenth career tennis Grand Slam title without even dropping a set. Yet they have also done so with grace, humility, and a respect for the past legends of their sport that paved the way for their successes. Sportswriters must stop trying to determine which one of these two close friends are better; you cannot compare dominance in golf to dominance in tennis. We must sit back, relax, and simply enjoy what these two men are doing. It's truly a once in lifetime opportunity. (Pause for applause.)

A future of hope and opportunity also requires that my avid readers have great and influential music for their listening enjoyment. (Pause for applause.) When it comes to great music, certain artists have an obligation to change the face of music for future generations of musicians, they must run with the devil, and they might as well jump. And Van Halen will meet those responsibilities. Van Halen will rock you live once again, reuniting with most-likely-bankrupt-front man David Lee Roth for a 40 date amphitheatre tour. (Pause for standing ovation.) We must strive to ensure that every show is sold out; without Van Halen there would have been no 80's hair band. (Pause for awkward silence.)

It's in my vital interest that the Detroit Lions diversify their drafting approach -- the way forward is not through another wide receiver. The Lions' front office must start changing the way they do business, which can be done by drafting smarter, signing better free agents, and giving their players time to adapt to Mike Martz's "Fun N' Gun" offense. (Pause for applause.) The Lions should press on with Jon Kitna as their start for now, and expand the talent around him on both sides of the ball. (Pause for applause.) They must begin to invest in a new offensive line to protect Kitna -- (pause for applause) -- by drafting, for starters, offensive tackle Joe Thomas from the University of Wisconsin with the number two overall pick in the 2007 NFL draft.

In the fifth month since I started GameTime, TBD©, I wish I could report to you that things are going well for the Los Angeles Kings. They are not. And so it remains the duty of this man to use every tool possible to keep my readers positive about this team. The Kings will not make the playoffs this season. Though they will not be the worst team in the league, they will have a good shot a getting the number one overall pick in this years draft. Because general manager Dean Lombardi is likely to trade several older veteran players with heavier contracts to contenders, the remainder of the year will serve as an opportunity for many of our young prospects to gain valuable NHL level playing experience. (Pause for applause.) Plus, the trades Mr. Lombardi makes will free up salary cap room so that he can pursue marquee free agents in the off season. Mark my words, the 2007-2008 Los Angeles Kings will be bigger, faster, stronger, smarter, and better than Kings teams of the past decade; the 2007-2008 Los Angeles Kings will be Stanley Cup contenders. (Pause for standing ovation.)

Barbaro was a young colt bred and raised in West Grove, Pennsylvania, when he won the 2006 Kentucky Derby by a staggering six-and-a-half lengths, the largest margin of victory since Triple Crown winner Assault in 1946. In May 2006, he was a heavy favorite to win the Preakness Stakes. Shortly after the start of the race, Barbaro fractured three bones in his right hind leg. For a horse, this is a life threatening injury. He was rushed to New Bolton Veterinary Center at the University of Pennsylvania, where he underwent emergency surgery to rebuild the broken leg. In the wake of his Preakness injury, Barbaro became the object of care and affection from the public in a way few animals, if any, have before him. He received thousands of get well cards and the New Bolton Center received a large anonymous donation, of $1.2 million to be exact, and established the "Barbaro Fund," to aid the treatment and care of large animals. Unfortunately, after 254 days of battling various horse-related issues stemming from the injury, Barbaro's pain became to great to live with and he was euthanized at the request of his owners. For his exceptional courage, and like no other animal before him, Barbaro has earned the respect and appreciation of GameTime, TBD©. (Pause for awkward applause as audience realizes BAP is praising a horse.)

In such courage and compassion, my dear readers, we see the spirit and character of GameTime, TBD© -- and these qualities are not in short supply. This is a decent and honorable weblog -- and somewhat random too. We've been through a lot together in five months. We've met the real world in a head-on collision, explored the inner workings of a culture obsessed with celebrities and fame, and we know that more fun lies ahead. Yet we can go forward with confidence -- because the state of my union is strong, my cause is right, and today that cause goes on. (Applause.)

See you next post. Thank you for your support. God bless you, and God bless GameTime, TBD©! (Standing ovation.)