When you are sick, which I have been for the last five days (and, therefore, my humor might be a little off), you look for ways to feel better. Having an amazing Better Half usually helps, especially when they are willing to (1) dote on you all day long, (b) go get you copious amounts of medicine, and (iii) turn the other cheek when you make a bonehead remark because your brain has lost its ability to filter things. My Better Half definitely helps me feel better when I am sick (and hopefully I do the same for her . . . though, let's be honest, I likely make things worse and that's why she's the Better Half). But here is the thing, during the week my Better Half cannot be there for me 24/7. After all, she has a job and I have job and our jobs do not involve us working at the same location.
Believe you me, there are few things in this world worse than being stuck in an office, staring at a computer screen, while you hack up your left lung (only because you spent all weekend hacking up your right lung). Dreading the thought of spending an entire day in the office today with nothing to keep me preoccupied (and hacking up whatever body part comes after my lungs), I first had to stop by the doctor's office to get a much needed prescription for legal drugs. While on my way to the good doc's office, I listened to The Dan Patrick Show, as I have done every morning since it returned last October (a post regarding my unnatural man crush on Dan Patrick is forthcoming). When I tuned into the show, Dan happened to be interviewing a woman and, well, I was confused. Do not get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with Dan interviewing a woman; there are many female athletes, coaches, and reporters worthy of being interviewed. My first thought was that it was the Rutgers University women's basketball coach talking about how her team got hosed last night. But it was not. Oh, no, it was someone much more important than that . . . Marisa Miller (I'll admit, her interview voice is MUCH different than her bedroom voice so I didn't recognize her at first . . . but I digress).
I had asked my Mother to get me a new subscription to Sports Illustrated for Christmas because Mr. Patrick had announced that he would begin writing for them after the Super Bowl. Because it had been a few years since I last had a subscription to SI, I totally forgot about the added yearly bonus of the Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Issue (do I have to forfeit my man card now?). Well, apparently the 2008 Swimsuit Issue "drops" today (holler) and Ms. Miller is the cover girl (which can be seen here . . . yowzers). While I am fairly certain it would be inappropriate for me to peruse SI's swimsuit website while at work, that does not have to stop me from doing a little research about the history of the issue (and its transition into soft-core porn . . . seriously, is that even a swimsuit on the cover? . . . I think David Letterman said it best when he asked Ms. Miller: "How would that suit hold up in choppy surf?" Short answer: not well).
Well, Sports Illustrated first published a Swimsuit Issue in 1964, featuring a bikini-clad Babette March (Babette March? It's almost too good to be true . . . I can't even make this stuff up). The Swimsuit Issue is widely credited as the publication that helped make the bikini (which had been "invented" in 1946 and had yet to catch on) a legitimate piece of apparel. The 2008 issue marks the seventh appearance by Ms. Miller, but only her first cover. Who has the most covers you ask? Why, it is Elle MacPherson. Nicknamed "The Body" (she stands at 6' 0" tall and is rumored to run a 4.7 forty . . . scouts at the NFL combine are drooling over her "talent"), MacPherson has appeared on five covers, spanning twenty years. She is often referred to as the greatest SI swimsuit model of all time. But I would disagree . . . and, surprisingly, so would my Better Half (she's a HUGE Heidi Klum fan).
While the Swimsuit Issue has grown more scandalous over the years (it has even led some to believe, myself included, that the bikini is now comprised of only the lower half of the bathing suit), it continues to garner complaints from customers and conservatives. You will, however, hear no such complaints coming from my home. You see, my Better Half gets home from work before I do and always gets the mail. This means she will have first crack at the Swimsuit Issue. And while you may be thinking that by "first crack" I mean "throw it away," that is not the case; no sir. Rather, I mean she gets the first chance to peruse the issue. By the time I get home, she will be ready to provide me with a comprehensive review of not only the actual swimsuits (cause, you know, guys check out the issue for the swimsuits . . . and read Playboy for the articles), but her "likes" and "dislikes" of each model. You read that right; I will be "forced" to listen to my incredibly beautiful Better Half explain why she thinks one swimsuit model is more attractive than another swimsuit model (Lord, I don't know what I did to deserve this, but please let me know so I can keep doing it). Believe you me (wow, twice in one post), there are few things in this world more sexy than a woman who is so confident in her own beauty that she is willing to discuss other beautiful women [so ladies, what have we learned in the last week? First, matching your shoes to your underwear is awesome (and subtly suggestive); and second, having enough confidence in yourself to talk about other attractive women with your significant other is uber sexy . . . write that down . . . you know, I think I really am changing the world here].
So for now, I am stuck here in my office hacking up my liver. As it turns out, it is not a lot of fun. But at least I have something to look forward to while I do it.
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