Well, it is Wednesday, March 19, 2008, and that can only mean two things: (1) I have been getting writing cramps in my hand from all the brackets I have been filling out, and (b) tomorrow marks the beginning of a three week lull in my productivity with a corresponding three week bump in GameTime, TBD© activity. If you are anything like me, you have probably entered four or five different pools (maybe more . . .) by now. You have probably read analysis from the so-called "experts", tracked all of their picks, and taken a peak at the Las Vegas Sports Consultants rankings, all in a quest to determine this years NCAA champion (sorry to burst your bubble, it's going to be UCLA . . . change your brackets while you still can).
There is no denying that filling out a bracket takes both time and energy. Every game creates new match-up issues and raises new questions. The answers, we have been led to believe, lies in the quality of the talent a school is able to put on the floor. Most, if not all, of you pick your brackets in this manner. For as long as I can remember, I have been guilty of using this method, and do you know where it got me? Absolutely nowhere; in the past few years I have won this many pools . . . if you were sitting next to me right now you would see I am holding up a goose egg. Do not get me wrong, I have had my share of second place finishes but I cannot recall ever winning.
So, as I started looking at my empty brackets, the various teams, and all the potential match-ups, the light finally went on. The key is not the talent a school puts on the court, but the “talent” a school puts off the court. You heard me right; my bracket for the 2008 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament will not be picked based on the players on the court, but the cheer/dance teams patrolling the sidelines.
As I began my initial research, I discovered that the strides made by the mid-major conferences on the court have not been matched by corresponding strides off the court. It all fits. A mid-major might get one or two hotties on the sideline sufficient to make a miracle run to the Sweet 16 or Elite 8, but they will never have a full squad able to match that of a powerhouse and that, my friends, is why a mid-major will never win a championship.
By now I am sure you are all dying to know just how my bracket played out and do not want to disappoint my avid readers. So, without further ado, I present to you GameTime, TBD©’s official NCAA bracket, played out by the real “talent”:
EAST REGION
The East region features four of the most prolific scoring teams in the nation and I am willing to wager their cheer/dance teams do not have much trouble scoring either. The top-ranked North Carolina Tar Heels have a group of girls that easily get them past play-in game winner Mt. St. Mary’s and second round opponent Arkansas, who easily defeated an Indiana squad that gave me nightmares during last years tournament and did nothing to improve this year (though, it turns out Indiana has two squads, one of which is called the “Cream Squad” . . . this was almost good enough to get them into the second round . . . but then the memories came rushing back).
North Carolina’s Sweet 16 opponent is Notre Dame, who easily defeats 2006 Cinderella, George Mason, in one of the most lopsided 5-12 match-ups in the history of the tournament. Notre Dame’s second round opponent, Washington State, is no match for the Fighting Irish’s blondes (if you know me, you know I’m partial to those petite blondes); those Pullman winters have taken a toll on the Cougs. North Carolina seemingly has the game in hand by halftime, but the second half tells a different story. The Notre Dame cheerleading squads take to the sideline in Catholic schoolgirl uniforms and it is game, set, match. The Irish dance their way to the Elite 8.
With a trip to the Final Four on the line, Notre Dame’s Elite 8 opponent is Tennessee. After breezing by American (who I don’t even think has a team) in the first round, Tennessee’s quantity and quality easily handle a surprisingly strong South Alabama, who upsets Butler in the first round. In the Sweet 16, Tennessee runs into the National Champion squads from Louisville. Louisville easily defeats Boise State and Oklahoma (first and second round respectively) on reputation alone, setting up this powerhouse match-up with Tennessee. In what turns out to be one of the closest games in the entire tournament, this one comes down to the last shot. Ultimately, Louisville’s reliance on the three-ball (blondes, brunettes, and red heads) proves to be its Achilles heel and Tennessee advances.
The Tennessee/Notre Dame Elite 8 match-up, hyped by most experts as the game to determine the eventual national champion, turns out to be a dud. Poor planning on the part of the selection committee forces Notre Dame to play their Elite 8 game on a Sunday. Half of their cheerleading squad, being the good Catholic girls they are, opts to attend mass instead of the game. With a depleted squad, Notre Dame is no match for the deep bench of Tennessee, your East Region champion.
MIDWEST REGION
In an attempt to prove their run to the ACC championship game was no fluke, Clemson University comes out blazing in the Midwest region. As it turns out, the Midwest is the easiest, and most controversial, region in the entire tournament and Clemson dances it way to the Final Four.
Although most experts believe Clemson will fall victim to the 5-12 upset, their three squads have no problem leading the Tigers to victory over Villanova. Clemson also easily handles Vanderbilt, who barely survived an upset scare at the hands of Siena in the first round. While preparing for a potential match-up against Kansas in the Sweet 16, Clemson gets a pleasant surprise: Kansas becomes the first top seed eliminated when it is upset by UNLV, led by their “Rebel Girl” dance team. UNLV (and its group of future strippers . . . more on that in a minute) easily runs by Kent State in the first round (I didn’t even bother researching their team once I saw the UNLV squads) and then catches Kansas on an “off” night, beating the high-scoring Jayhawks at their own game.
With a trip to the Elite 8 on the line, the Clemson/UNLV game is over before it began. An anonymous tip to the NCAA Infractions Committee reveals that several of the UNLV Rebel Girls have already signed with an agent in preparation for the upcoming Las Vegas Strip Club Entry Draft (as it turns out, UNLV has several potential lottery picks on their squads). This development leaves UNLV down a third of their squad and the proper southern girls of the Clemson squad help the Tigers easily advance to the Elite 8; class always beats trash.
Clemson’s opponent in the Elite 8 is the first of three Cinderella stories in this year’s tournament: Kansas State. Kansas State’s first round opponent, USC, has always underachieved when it comes to spirit squads, and their basketball team shall do the same. I have been on that campus far too many times and am intimately aware of their “talent pool.” The fact that they cannot field a decent (or smart) squad year-in and year-out is a disappointment. KSU’s squad, showing off its “diversity”, handles Wisconsin [whose one decent looking (after two beers) cheerleader is (surprisingly) enough to squeak the Badgers by Cal State Fullerton] in the second round. Kansas State also has no problem dispatching of Davidson in Sweet 16.
Davidson was the beneficiary of the first ever second round bye after both UMBC and potential champion Georgetown were disqualified during their first-round match-up. UMBC looked to be in strong position to pull off the 15-2 upset (ala Richmond over Syracuse) when it was discovered that Georgetown was masquerading the Georgetown College cheer squad as its own. Unfortunately, UMBC’s superstar (middle row, far right) was unable to contain her “assets” and her Janet Jackson moment results in their disqualification as well. While Davidson’s lone star is able to handle Gonzaga, the bye is not enough to help them get past Kansas State.
Like all fairy tales, however, Kansas State’s Cinderella run comes to an abrupt end in the most lopsided Elite 8 game of the tournament. No matter what Kansas State throws at Clemson, the Tigers quality and depth is just too much for KSU and they punch their ticket to San Antonio.
SOUTH REGION
The Memphis Tigers complained all season long that they were not getting enough respect. The University of Oregon shows them why they never deserved it. After being one of the last few teams to make the tournament, the Ducks become one of the greatest Cinderella stories in NCAA history. The South also becomes the most memorable region by having the only game actually decided by the basketball teams. The 3-14 match-up of Stanford and Cornell, which will forever be known as the “hoofer” game (you’ll thank me later for the lack of thinks here), is played in an empty arena. Stanford advances in what turns out to be a good basketball game
Two days after nearly becoming the first one seed to lose to a sixteen seed (UT-Arlington? Really?), Memphis is steamrolled by the hottest squad in the Pac-10 (the best conference in the nation . . . you would know this if you owned a computer Billy Packer). Oregon’s first round game against Mississippi State was over before it began, and Oregon completes the most impressive three-game stretch in tournament history with a dismantling of Michigan State in the Sweet 16. The Spartans had been riding high after a tight victory over Temple (in the closest game of the opening round) and a much easier match-up against Pittsburgh in the second round. Unfortunately, the Spartans dance team is no match for the mighty Ducks.
Things get tough for the Ducks in the Elite 8, however, where they run into the Texas Longhorns. Texas has an equally dominating run to the Elite 8. There is no threat of a 15-2 upset here as Texas routs Austin Peay in, perhaps, the most lopsided game in tournament history. The second round is not much different as Texas simply overpowers St. Mary’s (who pulled off a surprising victory over Miami in the first round thanks to a strong showing by its two stars) with its size. Texas continues it roll, as the three Longhorn squads easily outlast Marquette’s triple threat in the Sweet 16. Marquette’s magical run ends after beating Kentucky in the opening round (if only Ashley Judd was a Wildcat cheerleader) and being the beneficiary of playing Stanford in the second round (see above).
With a trip to San Antonio on the line, Texas and Oregon square off in the most memorable (and visually appealing) game of the tournament. Forty minutes is not enough time for this one to be decided. In the end, the Ducks prove what all knowledgeable college sports fans already know, the West Coast is stronger than any “expert” gives them credit for and the Pac-10 truly is the best conference in the land. Oregon’s Cinderella run continues.
WEST REGION
There is always one region in the tournament that sees most of the higher seeds fall early on; this year, it is the West Region. Tenth-ranked Arizona, eleventh-ranked Baylor, twelfth-ranked Western Kentucky, thirteenth-ranked San Diego, fourteenth-ranked Georgia, and fifteenth-ranked Belmont (Duke has never been known for its ladies and Belmont has a surprisingly cute team . . . Duke sucks!) all pull off opening-round upsets. UCLA and BYU are the only higher seeds to advance and they are forced to square off in the second round.
Once UCLA gets past BYU in the second round (I would have expected more out the Mormons, who usually put forth strong squads), it is smooth sailing to the Final Four for the Bruins. Western Kentucky is a one hit wonder, falling to San Diego in the second round, but the Toreros’ magic run comes to an end against UCLA in the Sweet 16. Unfortunately for the Bruins, a familiar foe awaits them.
With Duke out of the picture (did I mention Duke sucks?), and the prospect of playing the Sweet 16 and Elite 8 on a near-home court, Arizona finally shows it is the team we always expected it to be. While Belmont’s “cute” team might have been enough to get past Duke (seriously though, Duke sucks), elite “talent” is needed to get past the Wildcats. Elite “talent” is something Belmont lacks, and they fall to Arizona in the second round. Arizona’s Sweet 16 opponent, Georgia, is a bit of an anomaly. The Bulldogs were hit-and-miss during the regular season, winning only four games in the SEC, but then they matched that total with a stunning four-game run in the SEC tournament. While a hit-and-miss squad might be enough to get past Xavier and Baylor, consistency is needed to take down Arizona, especially in Phoenix.
With Arizona and UCLA squaring off for the West region championship, the Pac-10 is guaranteed two teams in the Final Four. Unfortunately for Arizona, local knowledge is not enough to get past the Bruins, who are playing at the top of their game. With their new superstar, UCLA is just too much for Arizona. UCLA is able to keep the tempo to its liking and our new star makes a case for the Most Outstanding Player award. It is three in a row for the Bruins; San Antonio, here we come.
FINAL FOUR
A controversial tournament only gets more controversial when half the Oregon squad is declared ineligible after testing positive for performance “enhancers”.
While the media and “experts” sit around and declare UCLA the “luckiest team in the history of college basketball,” Tennessee and Clemson meet in one of the most memorable Final Four games in recent history. When you get this deep into the tournament, experience is key, and that is what Tennessee has (at least just from the look of things . . . ZING!). In the second semifinal match-up, a demoralized Ducks squad puts its best foot forward, and it is still a pretty good foot. While half of Oregon’s squad may be good enough to beat any other school, UCLA, led again by the Most Outstanding Player, is just too much. Oregon keeps it close for thirty minutes, but falls short in the end and UCLA advances to its second championship game in the last three years.
With the championship on the line, UCLA and Tennessee are too good to be affected by the quality of the sideline “talent” (unless, of course, Erin Andrews is there . . . right Bruce?) Darren Collison, Russell Westbrook, and Kevin Love show everyone just how good a team that wins the Pac-10 regular season and tournament titles is; UCLA is bringing number twelve back to Westwood.
You heard it here first.
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