It has been a tough year for the . . . err . . . "family jewels" so far. No, I am not talking about my "family jewels" (though they have been known to take an arrant knee every now and then from my Better Half), but rather those of many professional athletes.
This epidemic of testicle-related injuries (wow, never thought I would ever type the phrase "epidemic of testicle-related injuries" . . . I'm starting to feel a little sick to my stomach) began back in baseball's string training. That is when we first learned of the tragic tale of Chicago Cubs' outfielder Felix Pie (pronounced P-eh) and his twisted testicle. Apparently the twist was so severe that Pie had to have corrective surgery to fix the problem. I can bring myself to even type a brief description of the procedure, so you can go read about it yourself.
A little over a month later, Patrick Thoresen became a household name for a different reason than he would have preferred:
If you had the stomach to watch the video, two observations: (1) you have to feel bad for Mr. Thoresen (more on that in a moment); and (b) I do not think those male fans would be cheering if they knew why Thoresen was not getting up. As this Deadspin post (appropriately titled "Do Protective Cups Even Help Anymore?") notes, "Thoresen got hit with the puck right in the peach basket, which dented his "protective" cup and left severe bruising" and almost result in the removal of his right testicle. Ye-owzers! [editor's note: if you have not seen the demonstration video for the Nutty Buddy, do yourself a favor and check it out . . . if you dare.]
Of course, in soccer, the nut shot is not very uncommon. You likely recall this video from a prior Link Dump, and you may have seen this video of David Beckham making another player question his manhood. It is about the only time in soccer you do not think someone is flopping.
So why I am I bringing this up now you ask? Because in the past twenty-four hours we have had two more confirmed cases of this terrible epidemic. First is the sad story of Yadir . . . no wait, Benji . . . Jose? There is three of them? . . . the sad story of Jose Molina getting crossed up on a Mariano Rivera fastball and catching it (get it, catching it? He's a catcher, and he "catches it" . . . ah, nevermind) where it hurts:
Though there have been no reports on the injury, other than to his pride, I can only imagine how Molina feels this morning.
But then, my dear readers, there is the most tragic tale of them all. If you are aspiring to be a major league catcher, you might want to consider changing your mind. Arizona Diamondbacks' catcher Chris Snyder was placed on the 15-day disabled list yesterday because of something I cannot even bring myself to type. So I'll just copy and past the following quote: "the Arizona Diamondbacks put left fielder Eric Byrnes and catcher Chris Snyder on the 15-day disabled list on Tuesday. Byrnes is out with a strained left hamstring, Snyder with a left testicular fracture." I did not even know it was possible to fracture a testicle. But I guess when you take a foul-tip to the groin, bad things are going to happen. Snyder is scheduled to have surgery today, but is unclear whether we will wake up half the man he used to be.
Since Congress has been all to eager to stick its nose into sports lately, I think they should form a commission to look into this new epidemic. The future of our race may be in danger. Sorry if I have ruined your day.
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