A Woman Can Only Take So Much

Around "the office", there has been a lot of talk about when, or even if, my Better Half would make her GameTime, TBD©.  As I am sure you all recall, during this time of year we are usually in some exotic location (Sacramento, Boise, Anaheim, etc . . . how exotic) following March Madness live and in person (redundant much?).  Unfortunately, this year, my Better Half being in grad school and our inability to obtain tickets through the NCAA's lottery system has forced me to follow March Madness at work.  So I, the Chief, came up with a brilliant idea:  sit my Better Half in front of the television for twelve (12) straight hours watching nothing but basketball and, here is the kicker, record her thoughts in the form of a running diary for the avid readers of GameTime, TBD© to enjoy.  So without further adieu, the "folks" here at GameTime, TBD© are pleased to present for your enjoyment, the ramblings . . . err . . . thoughts of a not-so-avid-sports fan forced to watch nothing but basketball all day.  With the exception of the infamous "[Editor's Note:]" everything from here on out are her words.  Enjoy!

The Chief [Editor's Note: that BAP fella] has been talking about my GameTime, TBD© debut for a while now, and has decided to make today, Day 1 of the 2009 Men’s NCAA Basketball Tournament, that day. The assignment is to watch the entire day of games and record my thoughts (oh the luxuries that come with being a full time graduate student). I am sure the Chief chose this day and this project thinking he and the avid readers could have a good laugh at my expense. Well, here’s a warning: my profound insights may just blow your mind.

9:22AM: The Chief called to wake me up. I am late for my first assignment (apparently the staff of GameTime, TBD© doesn’t care that today is also my first day of Spring Break).

9:25AM: The television says Memphis-0, CS North-2. Who is CS North? Ah, Northridge! I am not awake yet. I think that kid in the white uniform has blue shoes on. I am a huge fan of accessories. I need my glasses . . .  

9:28AM: Have glasses and have just figured out that the black uniforms are Northridge, and the white uniforms are Memphis. The CBS commentators have just informed me that Cheech Marin went to CSN (not a lot else to talk about so far.) CSN-9, Memphis-4.

9:30AM: They keep talking about field goals, but I thought that was a football thing.  Whatever the basketball thing is should have a different name in order to cut down on the confusion. 

9:35AM: I really hope they don’t play the same commercials all day . . . wow, that CSN cheerleader is really spastic . . . and her belly is hanging out . . . not good.

9:43AM: The commentator just “told” the Memphis player to “get in there big fella.”  [Editor's Note: that's what she said!] I wonder how the player would respond if he actually heard that?

9:55AM: That good Northridge player just did a slam dunk (verb: slam dunked?). That’s always entertaining. And I really feel like it’s an accomplishment. More so since he’s a student, and not a professional. I have a difficult time being impressed by professional basketball players, even when they slam dunk. Sure, I could never do it, which is why I don’t get paid to play basketball. It is a professional basketball player’s job to put the ball in the basket. When I go back to work full time, no one is going to cheer for me for doing my job. I’m just saying….well done Northridge player.  [Editor's Note: I've been a proponent of finding ways to cut down on excessive celebration in sports.  As my Better Half pointed out, it's their job.  In the meantime, I'll just keep celebrating every time I file a motion or attend a deposition.  I might get some weird looks around the office, but it sure spices things up.]

10:03AM: #4 on Memphis is huge! [Editor's Note: that's what she said . . . sometimes it's just too easy.]

10:15AM: Half time! That kid in the Capital One commercial is really cute. Jack-in-the-Box and Burger King are both gross. I need an internship.

10:30AM: CBS just switched to LSU v. Butler. I don’t feel invested in this game. Though, the players do appear to be moving faster than in the CSN v. Memphis game, so that’s more entertaining.

10:44AM: I really don’t understand the ranking. Memphis does not appear to be that much better than CSN.

11:07AM: Something exciting must be happening because people are going nuts on the TV. I don’t know for sure because I’m currently distracted by Facebook (I haven’t logged on in weeks and I need to catch up on my correspondence) [Editor's Note: 11:07am before the first check out? I'm impressed.  I had the under in the office pool at 10:03am.]

11:38AM: …and I’m back…and it’s a commercial.

11:40AM: Wow! It’s a totally different game. Whoops! Northern Iowa-6 Purdue-11

11:43AM: Purdue player slam dunked. Bravo sir.

11:50AM: “Maggie” from the Chevy Traverse commercial is really annoying. But more importantly, I really like the purple shoes that the Northern Iowa players are wearing. Next year my bracket will be based solely on fashion (the uniforms and shoes of the players). Of course it will require more research on my part, but it will be nothing compared to the amount of research some people do when making brackets. I didn’t use any methodology in making my picks this year….my bracket feels empty.

12:10PM: The commentator just said something about an “easy deuce.” They should really watch their language on CBS.

12:13PM: How is that a foul? Just don’t get in his way and you won’t fall over, kid-with-red-hair!

12:25PM: They just switched to Maryland and Cal! I am really having trouble keeping up and . . . yikes! That cheerleader is not attractive. [Editor's Note: must be Cal . . .]

12:55PM: Entertaining first half. Good hustle Maryland and Cal. Let’s take this time to check in on the Wife’s bracket. Memphis win? Check. BYU win? NO! LSU win? Check. Okay, 2 out of 3 so far. Not bad.

1:03PM: Northern Iowa bringing it with a 6-0 run. Do it Purple Shoes!!!!!!

1:31PM: Purdue wins. Pshh. Barely. Switched back to Maryland v. Cal (51-50 Cal)…only to go to a commercial! Note to Chief, this is why I don’t like watching sports at home. As soon as I get engaged, the Man rips away the game and crushes me with advertising.

1:42PM: Come on Cal! Get it in gear. I mean, that kid on Maryland has a faux hawk. A FAUX HAWK! He can’t even commit to a full and true Mohawk. If you don’t beat him, how will you live with yourselves?

2:01PM: I would like to take this opportunity to say that I am currently tied with President Obama in bracket play (but am tied for 11th at school . . . shameful).  [Editor's Note: did I forget to mention my Better Half is a socialist in the intro?  My bad.  I don't have the resources to fully vet my candidates . . . but I digress.]

2:05PM: Cal, this is go time. You call yourselves THE University of California? Well, EARN IT!

2:08PM: Cal . . . I just . . . [sigh] . . . B-rock has pulled into the lead. I have fallen to 12th at school. But thank you, North Carolina. Thank you for playing basketball today. Cal, maybe you should take all the extra time you have now to watch some tapes and pick up some tips on FINISHING. (I think I need to take a lunch break…I’m getting a little cranky).

2:15PM: Uh, CBS just switched to “The Price is Right.” And GameTime staff is texting me about someone named Grlenntys Chief Kickingstallionsims Jr. What is going on? Did I have a stroke?

2:25PM: Nope, no stroke. Just a break between Session 1 and Session 2 games. I should have remembered. Whew. It turns out Kickingstallionsims is someone that plays for Alabama St. I’m going for a run.

4:09PM: And we’re back (got back from my run just in time). Michigan v. Clemson, and so far I like Clemson because #1 and #18 have orange shoes (I told you, I like accessories).

4:13PM: Nice block Clemson! Swat that ball.

4:15PM: A dunk for Clemson, but I’m not fully impressed. Two reasons: One, there was no one near him, so there wasn’t that cool visual of him jumping over people. Two, he did the hang-on-to-the-basket-and-swing thing. Don’t gloat buddy. Now, if he would have used the momentum from his swing to do a back flip or at least a flying kick in the air, then that would have been impressive.  [Editor's Note: she's always been a go big or go home type of girl.]

4:24PM: #45 has orange shoes too! Oh, the Clemson cheerleader outfits are very unfortunate . . . maybe it’s a strategic thing: divert the attention of the opposing team with bright, shiny spandex?! It’s not working so far. Mich-11, Clem-9

4:40PM: Switched to Gonzaga v. Akron. WHAT is Akron’s mascot? A kangaroo? (google search shows that yes, it is a kangaroo. Named Zippy.)

4:56PM: I wonder why that Akron guy is wearing a sleeved shirt under his jersey? I know that most guys wear undershirts while playing to protect from chaffing [Editor's Note: chaffing? I'm not sure that's entirely accurate . . . ], but it looks like all of the other undershirts are sleeveless. I knew a guy in high school who wore a short-sleeved shirt under his basketball jersey because he didn’t want his parents (or coach) to find out about his nipple rings (can I say nipple on GameTime, TBD©? [Editor's Note: while my Better Half struggles with issues of decency, allow me to take this opportunity to direct you to pictures of one of Louisville's cheerleaders.  Nipple, nipple, nipple.]). Akron guy, are you hiding nipple rings? Embarrassing tattoos? Are you insecure with your body? You should love yourself.

5:22PM: I am really enjoying the “Become legendary” commercials. I have no idea what they’re selling, but they’re funny. You know what’s not funny? Any joke attempted by the CBS commentators. Likening that Zags block to a Senate filibuster? Really?

5:33PM: Greg Gumbel’s hair is fascinating. He switched it over to American v. Villanova. Oh! And the only make-up on that Nova cheerleader’s face is the fake wildcat-paw-print tattoo. Yikes!

5:36PM: Just switched to Minnesota v. Texas. I really don’t like the Minnesota uniforms. I feel like they should be able to do so much more given that their mascot is the Golden Gophers. But I’d like to give a shout out to the Texas player that has an armband. [Editor's Note: I hate you A.J. Abrams!] I’m sure it serves some purpose, but I just appreciate that you have brightened it up with an orange accent. It’s good to have pride in your team and in yourself.

5:53PM: I think players should be able to punch the ball out of the hoop through the bottom of the net. It would be so much harder to get points and it would be exciting. Like when you’re on a co-ed team for beer pong and you can blow the ball out of the cup. You get rewarded for moving quickly. Plus, it adds intensity to the game. [Editor's Note: 'cause that's why guys let girls blow the ball out the cup . . . ] I think I’ll write a letter about it to the NCAA officials (oh yeah, it’s back to Akron v. Gonzaga . . . Akron 44, Zags 41).

5:58PM: Akron had to call a timeout because a player’s contact lens fell out and needed to be cleaned. How embarrassing.

6:03PM: CBS just played a portion of “The Humpty Dance” while showing stats on today’s games (I don’t understand the choice, but they flashed a picture of “The Humpty Dance” album cover). One of the commentators said, “Wow, the Humpty Dance. Really takes me back to my wedding night.” Seriously, CBS, clean it up!

6:24PM: Chief [Editor's Note: that's Chief Kickingstallionsims to you young lady] just got home. I’m sure he’s anxious to edit my content.

6:30PM: Bracket update: I am in last place of my school bracket! How is that possible? Well, I actually know how it’s possible. And normally I wouldn’t care, but after an ENTIRE day of basketball, I feel like I deserve better.  Oh, and the Chief’s pleased with the content.  [Editor's Note: very!]

7:05PM: UCLA tips off against VCU. This game should be entertaining for three reasons: 1) This is the first time I’ve ever attended a school that has made it to the Division I tournament; 2) I am not watching the game alone, and; 3) the Chief gets so into it. It’s really amusing.  [Editor's Note: I think she meant 1), b), iii) . . . but I'll let it slide just this once.]

7:14PM: The Chief is relieved that UCLA took both their stunt team AND dance team to the tournament. He’s a huge fan of the choreography. [Editor's Note: right, and were I to have a subscription to Playboy, it'd be for the articles.]

7:19PM: The Chief is impressed that I can recite the entire Miller Light commercial (what he doesn’t realize is I’ve seen it 26 times today).

7:32PM: Hey, VCU player, watch out for the rim!  [Editor's Note:  she's talking about Larry Sanders, starring Garry Shandling, who tried to dunk by slamming it into the bottom of the rim.  It's only funny if you've heard Dick Enberg and Jay Bilas talk about his 7-foot, 7-inch wing span for the last 30 minutes.]

7:47PM: VCU brought both their stunt team and dance team too. The dance team looks sassy. If the game ends in a tie, there should be a dance team dance off to settle it.

7:55PM: I’m officially bored with this assignment. The Chief is threatening to call me a quitter, so I won’t sign off . . . just take a break.  [Editor's Note: I can't quit you!]

8:00PM: That didn’t last long . . . watching Illinois v. Western Kentucky. 4 out of the 5 Illinois guys on the court have orange shoes on. That fifth guy is distracting---he draws focus. They should just make the orange shoes mandatory.

8:27PM: I feel like the commentators are biased. They’re obsessed with this Maynor guy. How about some props for Shipp? Or some love for my boy Dragovic for shaving off that funky beard? [Editor's Note: hey, hey, hey . . . leave my Nik out of this.]

8:31PM: If I see one more Lipitor ad I am going to throw something. And the new Geico commercials are weird. A stack of $5 bills with eyes? Where’s the Australian gecko? And the more ads I see for “Knowing,” the more stupid it looks.  

8:40PM: Aboya looks like he’s wearing body oil. I mean, I know he’s sweating. But he looks unnaturally shiny.

8:42PM: I am so over this. UCLA is not playing very well, and Grey’s Anatomy and The Office both start in 18 minutes. Of course, there’s no way the Chief is going to let me change the channel. Even though I’ve been working so hard all day . . . (cue the violins)

8:46PM: Seriously, I think one of the commentators wants to make-out with that Maynor guy. (the Chief is growling at UCLA . . . )

8:48PM: The Resident Evil 5 game looks intense. I want it.

9:03PM: The VCU band has a full size Yoda figurine, and a few of the ladies have stripped to their bikinis. Can’t make this stuff up folks.

9:04PM: The Chief is yelling profanity at the officials. I think his head might explode. So, Bruins, I’m calling in a favor. Forget that I’ve watched 10 hours of basketball today. Forget that I am missing my favorite show right now. Please pull away and finish with a commanding lead so that my husband’s head won’t explode. Thanks.

9:11PM: I want to punch Maynor in the head (I think all this basketball is getting to me).

9:14PM: Shot clock violation? Seriously?!

9:17PM: One point is all it takes. Thank you UCLA.

Well, friends. It’s been a pleasure, but I have decided I would rather be called a quitter than have to watch any more basketball. So, goodnight, take care, and thanks for reading.