That Special Time of Year

Girls from Orange County, California are, on average, hotter than normal. Trust me, I married one. This class of "hotter than normal" girls can be broken down further into two sub-classes: (1) classy hot (see, e.g., my Better Half), and, well, (b) USC hot (read: sluts). A portion of my morning commute takes me past USC, and it is about this time of year that this second class of OC girls begins filling the crosswalks around the campus. Personally, I have always equated destroyed-denim miniskirts, skimpy tank tops with daddy's high school graduation gifts hanging out, and Ugg boots as early-summer outfits; these girls call them uniforms for 8:00 a.m. classes. And while these "uniforms" may be the only redeeming quality of USC as a whole, they are also the first sign that summer is over . . . and that bums me out.

I must say that I had a pretty awesome summer. With the exception of an extended rehabilitation from what should have been a simple surgical procedure, I can not think of anything to really complain about. We had great weather pretty much all summer long down here in Southern California (what else is new); I became an uncle twice over; I had a great 4th of July party/weekend with many of my friends; I got to travel for work a couple of times; I started getting my golf game back to form; my Better Half and I celebrated our first anniversary; we took an awesome vacation with my family to Aruba; and I completed my first (mini) triathlon. No, it was not the same kind of fun my friends and I used have back at the Malibu Sands Beach Club; it was more of an adult fun (*wink*), but it was fun nonetheless.

And I was not the only person to have a great summer. No sir. Just look at the summer young Matthew Stafford had:

• Drafted first overall by the Detroit Lions (against my sage advice);
• Got himself paid to the tune of six-years, $78 million, of which nearly $42 million is guaranteed (without even taking a professional snap);
• Took that new coin and invested wisely (bravo Matthew, bravo);
• Had a nice little 4th of July party of his own (my invite must have gotten lost in the mail); and
  
• Became the highest paid clipboard holder the Lions' starting quarterback.

Wait, what? Seriously? I have got to believe this decision was not actually made by Jim Schwartz. I am pretty sure his phone rang on the 6th and the conversion went something like this:

"Hey Marty [Lions' GM Martin Mayhew], how's it going?"
"Hi Jimmy, things are going well."
"Good to hear, good to hear. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I just got off the phone with Willie [Lions' owner William Clay Ford], and we both wanted to let you know how happy we are you decided to make Stafford the starting quarterback. This situation has [former-first round bust] Joey Harrington written all over it, and we couldn't be more excited."
"Um, Marty, I haven't made it public yet, but I'm going to name [veteran-quarterback] Daunte [Culpepper] the starter tomorrow. I would think you guys wouldn't want a Harrington repeat."
"Don't be silly Jimmy. We've been watching the games too and you know we can't afford to have $78 million on the sidelines in this economy . . . err . . . I mean, you know we have the best chance of winning with Stafford out there."
"Well, I guess I would have to dis. . ."
"Sorry to cut you off there Jimmy, but I've got to run. Send our congrats to Stafford."

You have got to feel bad for Schwartz. This guy is doing everything he can to right this ship, to change the culture of the organization, to [insert cliche of choice here], and it is likely his first major decision was not even one of his own. Sure, it did not help that Daunte needed eight stitches in a toe before the final preseason game, but we are talking about a team in search of its first win in over a season. As you all know, the Lions have lost 17 games in a row [Update: 18 19] (final game of 2007 season and all of the 2008 season). Here is a brief look at the Lions 2009 schedule and my predicted outcome:

Week 1: at New Orleans - LOSS (fantastic offense vs. poor defense, it's a no-brainer)
Week 2: vs. Minnesota - LOSS (when the schedule first came out, I had this as a win . . . then Favre happened)
Week 3: vs. Washington - TOSS UP (could this finally be the week? I would have this as a win with Daunte at the helm)
Week 4: at Chicago - LOSS (while the Lions might win a game this season, it won't be in the NFC North)
Week 5: vs. Pittsburgh - LOSS (did you know Jerome Bettis is from Detroit?)
Week 6: at Green Bay - LOSS (I think the Lions are oh-for-Barry-Sanders's-retirement at Lambeau Field)
Week 7: BYE (a bye is a win in my book)
Week 8: vs. St. Louis - WIN (a bad team, after a bye week, at home? Finally!)
Week 9: at Seattle - TOSS UP (will Matt Hasselbeck still be alive for this game? That will be the key)
Week 10: at Minnesota - LOSS (any chance Favre will be watching this game in his Wranglers?)
Week 11: vs. Cleveland - WIN (I'm glad we drew the AFC North this season)
Week 12: vs. Green Bay - LOSS (here's hoping the entire starting 22 of the Packers eats too much turkey the night before Thanksgiving . . . hey, they could be that stupid)
Week 13: at Cincinnati - TOSS UP (at least one thing is certain, a Bengal or two will have been arrested by this point in the season and that can't hurt our chances)
Week 14: at Baltimore - LOSS (unless the o-line is much improved this season, Stafford might lose his life here)
Week 15: vs. Arizona - LOSS (since 1997, all but 2 of the defending Super Bowl losers have failed to make the playoffs the following season . . . I'm just saying)
Week 16: at San Francisco - TOSS UP (Frank Gore will be running on stumps by this point in time, but that could still be good enough to beat the Lions . . . sad, but true)
Week 17: vs. Chicago - TOSS UP (this is the Lions' one shot to steal an NFC North game . . . assuming the Bears have clinched a playoff birth by then)

So there you go. I had the guts to call two, TWO, for-sure wins this entire season. If they can squeak out wins in fifty percent of the games I have labeled as a "toss up" (5 of them), then we are looking at a 4-and-12 or 5-and-11 (not to brag, but the Vegas over/under on Lions wins is 4.5). More importantly, if the Lions do not win that week three match-up against the Washington Redskins (Insert Name Here), it is likely their losing streak will reach . . . dear lord! . . . twenty-three games. Yes sir, in the modern era of football, we might witness a team go nearly a season-and-a-half without a win. That is nearly 22 months, or 679 days, between wins; and that is assuming they are able to beat the Rams in week eight.

My point here is this: if you were the Lions, and you were trying to turn this franchise around, would you not focus on just getting wins in 2009 season? They are not going to contend for a playoff spot, and everyone knows it. And for every Peyton Manning or Matt Ryan out there, there is a Ryan Leaf, Akili Smith, or JOEY HARRINGTON. Are we not supposed to learn from history so we do not repeat the mistakes of our past? Having seen some of the preseason action, I have soften my stance on Stafford being a bad pick; the kid has got talent and the potential to be a franchise quarterback. Still, he needs time to develop and the Lions need wins. But can we really be surprised the team is in this situation when they are run by the same guys who run Ford Motor Company? Anyone interested in going in with me on an NFL franchise? All we need is $872 million.

Regardless, summer is coming to an end (boooooo) (bah . . . hehehe), and football season has finally arrived (yay). Things are looking up for the Lions, the Bruins look to be competitive again, and the NHL and College Basketball are right around the corner. I guess it truly is that special time year.