That's what she said. Ba-ZING!
"Everyone" here at GameTime, TBD© is in a great mood. It is Friday, and we are out of here at noon, so (as the title implies) this week's Link Dump introduction is going to be short, sweet, and to the point.
First, and foremost, a couple shout-outs to some long-time GameTime, TBD© readers. Congrats go out to Nosh (a true GameTime, TBD© enthusiast) and Gosh who will be welcoming their first little Osh to this world sometime in early September; check your paper for great discounts on home and garden supplies in honor of this great news. A second congrats goes out to Agman, who went out there and got himself engaged. Having done something similar myself not too long ago, I know how excited he and the future Miss Agman are feeling right now. Plus, it gives all my high schools buddies and I an opportunity to get together and do what we do best.
Second, my good buds Money Bags and Coov (long time, first time) are coming into town this weekend and "unfortunately" I have to pick them up at the airport; and the nerve of them deciding to arrive at 2:05 p.m. Do they not know that I have an obligation to my legions of fans to ensure they have the entertainment they need to get through their Friday afternoon? So, with further adieu, here are some things you might have missed:
- The equilibrium of available hot chicks has remained in tact. While Adriana Lima is officially off the market (for now), Megan Fox is back on it (the market that is . . . it's been so many years I'm not sure our chemistry is still there . . . plus, there's that whole "being married" thing.)
- Every marginal "sport" needs an attractive woman to raise its profile. That is why my Better Half has taken to lawn bowling.
- My Better Half wanted me to dedicate an entire post to this until she discovered it was a planned experiment gone totally awesome. A link will have to suffice.
- The curse of the San Jose Sharks is more than just playoff choke-jobs.
- Barry Zito to Tim Lincecum: you are doing it wrong kid.
- It is never fun to read about bad things happening to seemingly-good people.
- Hey Jim, the jerk store called, they are all out of you.
- Pete Carroll is highest paid private school employee, banging Song Girl coach.
- The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have cut Brooks & Dunn, making room for Dixie Chicks.
- Lame attempt at golf humor ends with . . . actual golf humor? Weird.
- Charles Barkley to wear pink, write turrible rap album.
- This story contains the phrases "sex toy" and "locker room", yet still manages to be totally uncool. Good thing my high school volleyball team never used the locker room when we played Taft.
- Note to criminals: if you kill your parents for their money, it probably would be best to hold off on inquiring about your inheritance.
We all know the real reason you read the Link Dump week-after-week is the videos. I should be insulted, but I get it, it is Friday and you need some mindless entertainment. That is why the fine folks at GameTime, TBD© make sure to spend extra time every week to make sure we are bring you only the best in viewing entertainment. Such as:
- I am not positive (it has been so long since I read the rules), but I am pretty sure this is traveling. Duke sucks (apparently I'm required to say that).
- They are on a boat . . .
- . . . and they are in a Snuggie, unnecessarily naked.
- This is fake and filmed at USC, yet I still enjoyed it . . . go figure.
- Rich Eisen "runs" the 40.
Have a great weekend everyone!
If you are not a fan of short work weeks, please raise your hand. Anyone? Anyone? I did not think so. A short work week makes the fine "folks" here at GameTime, TBD© extra happy, and when the chief is extra happy, it can only mean one thing: guilty pleasure confessional!
If you learn only one thing as an avid GameTime, TBD© reader, we hope it is this: honesty is the best policy (more on this in the links portion of this week's Link Dump). And I am sure you have grown to respect, or at least appreciate, our constant honesty with you. And since I all know you all have your own guilty pleasure or two, I figured I would share another one (or two) of mine with you. Now, I will be the first to admit that reality television sucks, is killing television, and should be done away with (for The Biggest Loser), but until that happens, I might as well enjoy some of the perks that come along with it. That is right my friends, this week's guilty pleasure confession is my secret love of The Real Housewives of Orange County. I know GameTime, TBD© just took a hit on your respectability scale, but please do not be too harsh. You know we are a sucker for California blonds, and this show is playing with a stacked deck. Think about it: more bleach than a Clorox plant, enough "flotation aides" to raise the Titanic, and a little dash of high school bitchy . . . it is unfair, I am only a man. So guilty is the pleasure I derive from RHOC [all innuendos (in-her-end-OHS . . . hehehe) aside], you will not find it on my DVR (thankfully Bravo airs it for about ten of its twenty-four broadcast hours per day) and I usually will not watch with anyone around (even my Better Half). But please rest assured that my guilty pleasure only goes as far as Orange County; I have no love for New York or Hot-lanta. Oh, and I am abnormally excited about tonight's release of Fired Up! (after all, Chumbawumba is the soundtrack to my life) . . . but that is a whole different can of worms for Dr. Finklestein and I to work through.
So, now that we got all that out of the way, we will move on to more important things, like more babes and sports. To help you get through the last few hours of your already shortened week, here are some things you might have missed:
- I am sure by now you have all heard about/seen the ugly brawl at an Alabama high school basketball game involving players and fans alike. So we start this week with a fresh reminder that sportsmanship is alive and well amongst the youth of our nation.
- While things with my Detroit Lions can not technically get any worse, it would be nice if they tried to make things better. Unfortunately, that appears to be too much to ask though.
- Under (click) Armor (clack) to protect the home of all NFL combine participants.
- A-Roid's story has more holes than a block of Swiss cheese (oh, snap son).
- Cole Hamels, my Better Half's new most favorite athlete.
- Apparently that name and age question is trickier than first thought.
- Come for the article, stay for the "conference-by-conference" breakdown cause, you know, there are only five conferences and they are all on the east coast.
- Golf just got a whole lot more uncompetitiver, yet somehow that is a good thing.
- Gentlemen, if you have forgotten the lessons taught to you by your mother, let this be a reminder to you.
- Cause, you know, you do not want your daughter thrown in the air by someone on drugs . . . until college (I don't even know what that means)
- Erin "Pageviews" Andrews flies first class; Stacey "Who?" Dales does not. Dales to fly coach to interviews.
- The hot topic around the sports blog-o-sphere this week? SI airbrushing out Danica Patrick's tramp stamp in the Swimsuit Issue . . . because, you know, it is about natural beauty.
- In horse racing news, second place is now the first winner (think about it).
- Oh, and a woman was banned from boxing because of her "performance enhancers".
"Flotation aides"? "Performance enhancers"? Someone is doing the Lord's work. I like to think that my little corner of the world-wide-web is also helping out, especially when it comes to making your Fridays a little more enjoyable. And that is why I have mixed some old and new classics for your weekly viewing pleasure:
- Off the junk, FTW (and a trip to the DL)!
- So, this Ovechkin guy, he is okay I guess.
- I do not claim to be an expert diver (unless you count the "flying squirrel" as a dive), but I am pretty sure this . . .
- . . . or this is not how you do it.
- From the vault: the truth comes out (and oldy but goody).
Have a great weekend everyone! Maybe we will see you out at Riviera Country Club.
Happy Valentine's Day Eve to all my shorties . . . err . . . female GameTime, TBD© readers out there. We sincerely hope you all have someone special to share the day, or long weekend, with. If you do not, help a brother out by hitting up your local bar with your other single lady-friends, having one too many drinks, and making a bad decision for the sake of our single male readers. Everyone deserves some love on Valentine's Day.
I am busy teasing my Better Half with clues about where we are going for this long weekend. She is getting close, but unless she makes the leap from Atticus Finch to Gregory Peck, she probably will not get there. That being said, I am mailing in the introduction to this week's Link Dump. If you are like me, you are probably planning on leaving work "a little" early today to get your long weekend started, and have to get some work done before you can leave (if by work you mean entertaining the masses with my endless wit and charm . . . then yes, that is what I have to do). So, without too much fanfare, here are some things you might have missed this past week that will help the few hours you actually work today go by faster:
- Lions' marketing department keeps losing streak alive.
- Alright Mitch, no hard feelings. You are not the first (and probably not the last) "reporter" to rag on us bloggers. But I hope, for your sake, we never meet in a dark alley . . . I kid, I kid.
- Do you mean over-rated or over-exposed? There is a not-so-subtle difference I think you are missing here.
- Question: Do the Saints know the state of the economy? Answer.
- Help wanted: twelve people who can turn a blind-eye to twenty-two years of ineptitude.
- Might as well just start subtracting points.
- Bitter about the break up much?
- Scott Van Pelt suspended for doing his job. No word if money had anything to do with it.
- When swimming the Atlantic Ocean is like not actually swimming the Atlantic Ocean.
- Woods to lose the 2029 U.S. Open to Woods.
- When celebratory bottles of champagne attack.
- Just in time for Valentine's Day: the "base" metaphors for sex finally explained.
And for your weekly viewing enjoyment, we bring you . . . pain. Nothing says "Happy Valentine's Day!" like having your ego put in check or your face rearranged:
Have a great weekend everyone!
[Editor's Note: the (lack of) material contained in this post is borderline-NSFW. Is that a bad thing?]
It will probably come as no surprise to our avid readers, but the fine folks here at GameTime, TBD© are exhausted from a long and emotional week. And while we wish we could just pack it in and take another week off, duty calls and we will answer.
Is it just me, or is there bad news lurking around every corner? My office building installed mini television monitors in the elevators so that every morning we can be regaled with the wonder that is the state of our economy. Believe you me, nothing gets me more excited for the coming day than reading headlines about record unemployment rates and the falling stock market. And then there is President Obama's daily urging of the Senate to pass his stimulus package as soon as possible. While it was nice of President Obama to take time out of his first primetime press conference to give us his opinion on the A-Roid situation, I think he should have stuck to the more important issues (por ejemplo: President Obama, your economic stimulus package (1) fails the test of bipartisan politics you touted during your campaign, and (b) does not actually stimulate anything. When exactly will the U.S. become a socialist government? January 20, 2009? But that was three . . . oh hell). Look, I love that we have a President who is passionate about sports (breaking news into the GameTime, TBD© sports desk: so was President Bush). Sports are, after all, a pretty integral part of almost every one's lives. And I agree that the government needs to do something sooner rather than later. But I, for one, do not mind if the Senate wants to take a little extra time to make sure the plan will actually stimulate the economy before saddling the American people with an $820 trillion (I find it more persuasive if you write the number out: $820,000,000,000,000) bill.
Then yesterday came word from some federal judges that California needs to reduce its prison population by up to 40%. As an attorney, I believe that prisoners still have rights and need to be treated within the bounds of the U.S. Constitution. But as a citizen of the State of California, I am not to found of the thought of two-fifths (or roughly 58,000) of our inmates being released from prison before they have fully paid their debt to society. I do not know about you, but the idea of a prison colony sounds pretty good right about now. Australia seemed to work out well for the British. Otherwise, I will just add this to the growing list of reasons GameTime, TBD© is considering relocating its primary place of business outside of the Golden State.
To top it all off, I know there are more than a few gentlemen out there who woke up this morning and looked at their calendars, only to discover that Valentine's Day is a mere four (4) days away. Now ladies, I know a lot of you out there say that Valentine's Day is not that big of deal, but we men know that deep down inside you like the thought of your man being a little extra romantic on this day and you are expecting more than just some flowers and a dinner out. If Valentine's Day was not such a big deal, why would we have to listen to single women whining about not having anyone to share the day with (and why would those single women hook up with the first dude who makes them feel special [read: buys them their first drink] that night?). Not to pat myself on the back, but I am rock star; since Valentine's Day falls on President's Day weekend this year, I seized the opportunity to plan a special get-a-way weekend for my Better Half and I. She does not know where we are going yet, but she is looking forward to our first weekend away without family since the Honeymoon. Unfortunately, not all of you out there are a rock star, so the thought of Valentine's Day being right around the corner only adds a little to your stress level.
Has all this stress left you in need of an escape? Well my dear readers, you have come to the right place. Whether you are stressed about all that is going on the world, feeling under the weather, tired of the long and cold winter, or just bored in your office because it is just another, GameTime, TBD© has the cure for what ails you. After all, it is the second Tuesday of February and that can only mean one thing: the 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue "drops" today. I am sure that most of you are already aware of this, as there is a nary a sports-related website out there not talking about it. So it seemed only right that GameTime, TBD© get in on the action. And while we have not had a chance to see the actual issue, SI's swimsuit-dedicated website has proven more than sufficient to provide the necessary research for this, the first ever GameTime, TBD© Swimsuit Model Rankings and Award show. The rules are simple: I have reviewed the profiles of each of the nineteen (19) professional models, ranked them from least attractive to most attractive, and, like all beauty pageants, given special awards to each. This is obviously subjective (i.e., blonds will always do better with me), likely derogatory towards women (do word on how my Better Half will feel about this), and clearly superficial and meant in good fun. So, without further ado, let us get to the rankings:
19. Melissa Haro (winner of the least attractive "Sometimes Even a Swimsuit Model Requires a Brown Bag" award) - a man chin and death stare are enough to put Ms. Haro at the bottom of my list. This was the easiest decision of the rankings. No hard feelings I hope.
18 - 11. Cintia Dicker, Lucia Dvorska, Jessica Hart, Julie Henderson, Damaris Lewis, Ariel Meredith, Hilary Rhoda, and Anne V (alphabetical order; winners of the honorable mention "Maybe Next Year You Should Go Naked" award) - it is a regular elementary school science fair here at GameTime, TBD©: everyone gets an award. I expected more out of some of these veteran models, and feel bad for those rookies who failed to make a quality first impression. Maybe next year ladies.
10. Jessica White (winner of the "Luckily, Knowing How to Properly Tie Bikini Top Not a Prerequisite" lifetime achievement award) - this was Ms. White's sixth appearance in the Swimsuit Issue, making her the first African-American model to reach that number. She might not have made it this far if it was required that she know how to properly tie a top as there are several pictures where she has difficulty keeping her top tied on, and sometimes it was not even present. Oh the nerve of her..
9. Jessica Gomes (winner of the "Too Good to Be True" award for best discovery story) - Ms. Gomes was apparently discovered at the age of 13 after appearing on the Australian show . . . wait for it . . . wait for it . . . Bush Patrol. I can not make this stuff up. Well, I am a sucker for accents, and I can only imagine that her Australian accent would do the trick. And who does not like a woman who patrols bush, even if she likely does not have much of her own (ba-ZING!).
8. Irina Shayk (winner of the "Thank God the Cold War is Over" award for best appearance by a Russian) - time to increase your holdings in publicly-traded Russian mail-order bride companies. Perhaps things would have turned out differently if Russia had used women like Ms. Shayk as spies during the Cold War; I can only imagine what information she could have uncovered.
7. Jarah Mariano (winner of the "Thank You Sir, May I Have Another" award for best sophomore performance) - To be honest, I thought this was Ms. Mariano's first appearance. Turns out, I was wrong. As an L&A man, I could not help but notice the strides she has taken to improve. Well played.
6. Daniella Sarahyba (winner of the "Give the Yourself a Hug" award as most improved model) - I was quite surprised to discover that this was Ms. Sarahyba's fifth appearance. So what made her stand out so much this year? She must have gained some self-confidence and learned to embrace her body. Whatever it is, I salute you Daniella. Go ahead, give yourself a hug.
5. Kim Cloutier (winner of the "Maybe Canada Ain't So Bad After All" award for best performance by a model from our neighbor to the north) - whenever I hear the name Cloutier, I usually have flashbacks to this, or this. Thankfully, now I can have flashbacks to this. While she was in the running for the "Rookie of the Year" award, Ms. Cloutier ultimately lost out because she does not know how to properly use a hammock (but don't anyone go and teach her the right way).
4. Tori Praver (winner of the "Say Cheese" award for best spread without a smile) - proof that a sultry look does not require a smile. Not that I think anyone would complain about her spread, but I am just saying, I like a good smile and I would like to know Ms. Praver has one before I move her up the list.
3. Esti Ginzburg (winner of the "Milk Does Do a Body Good" award as Rookie of the Year) - I never thought water wings could look so good (I also never thought that knowing how to swim would be optional for a swimsuit model). She took to heart what she learned in that milk ad as an eight year old, and it shows. Anybody interested in checking out the sights in Naples, Italy with me?
2. Bar Refaeli (cover model; winner of the "You Can't Stop Them, You Can Only Hope to Contain Them" award for best rack) - while it is tough to live up to last year's cover model (can anybody?), Ms. Refaeli certainly gives it the old "college try". She serves as proof that even "A-List" celebrities can out kick their coverage. I think the best rack award speaks for itself ( a little baby oil never hurt . . . is SI accepting applications for next year's oil-applier-guy position?), so long as she can find a top that can contain those sweater kittens.
1. Brooklyn Decker (winner of the "Still Second Fiddle to Marisa Miller" award as top model for 2009 and the "Next Stop, South America" award for best adapted world map) - I was caught off guard when there was no Marisa Miller this year and, thus, had to "settle" on Ms. Decker as the top model for 2009. Though, if I were Andy Roddick, I probably would not be winning many majors if I knew I had this waiting for me at home either. And while we may never know if "the carpet matches the drapes", for some odd reason, I am okay with that. After all, Ms. Decker has the ability to make things appear out of nowhere (I swear there is an island in the background, no?).
Still stressed? I told you you came to the right place. Now get out there and finish planning the perfect Valentine's Day for your better half. I know I have.
