You've Come to the Right Place

[Editor's Note: the (lack of) material contained in this post is borderline-NSFW. Is that a bad thing?]

It will probably come as no surprise to our avid readers, but the fine folks here at GameTime, TBD© are exhausted from a long and emotional week. And while we wish we could just pack it in and take another week off, duty calls and we will answer.

Is it just me, or is there bad news lurking around every corner? My office building installed mini television monitors in the elevators so that every morning we can be regaled with the wonder that is the state of our economy. Believe you me, nothing gets me more excited for the coming day than reading headlines about record unemployment rates and the falling stock market. And then there is President Obama's daily urging of the Senate to pass his stimulus package as soon as possible. While it was nice of President Obama to take time out of his first primetime press conference to give us his opinion on the A-Roid situation, I think he should have stuck to the more important issues (por ejemplo: President Obama, your economic stimulus package (1) fails the test of bipartisan politics you touted during your campaign, and (b) does not actually stimulate anything. When exactly will the U.S. become a socialist government? January 20, 2009? But that was three . . . oh hell). Look, I love that we have a President who is passionate about sports (breaking news into the GameTime, TBD© sports desk: so was President Bush). Sports are, after all, a pretty integral part of almost every one's lives. And I agree that the government needs to do something sooner rather than later. But I, for one, do not mind if the Senate wants to take a little extra time to make sure the plan will actually stimulate the economy before saddling the American people with an $820 trillion (I find it more persuasive if you write the number out: $820,000,000,000,000) bill.

Then yesterday came word from some federal judges that California needs to reduce its prison population by up to 40%. As an attorney, I believe that prisoners still have rights and need to be treated within the bounds of the U.S. Constitution. But as a citizen of the State of California, I am not to found of the thought of two-fifths (or roughly 58,000) of our inmates being released from prison before they have fully paid their debt to society. I do not know about you, but the idea of a prison colony sounds pretty good right about now. Australia seemed to work out well for the British. Otherwise, I will just add this to the growing list of reasons GameTime, TBD© is considering relocating its primary place of business outside of the Golden State.

To top it all off, I know there are more than a few gentlemen out there who woke up this morning and looked at their calendars, only to discover that Valentine's Day is a mere four (4) days away. Now ladies, I know a lot of you out there say that Valentine's Day is not that big of deal, but we men know that deep down inside you like the thought of your man being a little extra romantic on this day and you are expecting more than just some flowers and a dinner out. If Valentine's Day was not such a big deal, why would we have to listen to single women whining about not having anyone to share the day with (and why would those single women hook up with the first dude who makes them feel special [read: buys them their first drink] that night?). Not to pat myself on the back, but I am rock star; since Valentine's Day falls on President's Day weekend this year, I seized the opportunity to plan a special get-a-way weekend for my Better Half and I. She does not know where we are going yet, but she is looking forward to our first weekend away without family since the Honeymoon. Unfortunately, not all of you out there are a rock star, so the thought of Valentine's Day being right around the corner only adds a little to your stress level.

Has all this stress left you in need of an escape? Well my dear readers, you have come to the right place. Whether you are stressed about all that is going on the world, feeling under the weather, tired of the long and cold winter, or just bored in your office because it is just another, GameTime, TBD© has the cure for what ails you. After all, it is the second Tuesday of February and that can only mean one thing: the 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue "drops" today. I am sure that most of you are already aware of this, as there is a nary a sports-related website out there not talking about it. So it seemed only right that GameTime, TBD© get in on the action. And while we have not had a chance to see the actual issue, SI's swimsuit-dedicated website has proven more than sufficient to provide the necessary research for this, the first ever GameTime, TBD© Swimsuit Model Rankings and Award show. The rules are simple: I have reviewed the profiles of each of the nineteen (19) professional models, ranked them from least attractive to most attractive, and, like all beauty pageants, given special awards to each. This is obviously subjective (i.e., blonds will always do better with me), likely derogatory towards women (do word on how my Better Half will feel about this), and clearly superficial and meant in good fun. So, without further ado, let us get to the rankings:

19. Melissa Haro (winner of the least attractive "Sometimes Even a Swimsuit Model Requires a Brown Bag" award) - a man chin and death stare are enough to put Ms. Haro at the bottom of my list. This was the easiest decision of the rankings. No hard feelings I hope.

18 - 11. Cintia Dicker, Lucia Dvorska, Jessica Hart, Julie Henderson, Damaris Lewis, Ariel Meredith, Hilary Rhoda, and Anne V (alphabetical order; winners of the honorable mention "Maybe Next Year You Should Go Naked" award) - it is a regular elementary school science fair here at GameTime, TBD©: everyone gets an award. I expected more out of some of these veteran models, and feel bad for those rookies who failed to make a quality first impression. Maybe next year ladies.

10. Jessica White (winner of the "Luckily, Knowing How to Properly Tie Bikini Top Not a Prerequisite" lifetime achievement award) - this was Ms. White's sixth appearance in the Swimsuit Issue, making her the first African-American model to reach that number. She might not have made it this far if it was required that she know how to properly tie a top as there are several pictures where she has difficulty keeping her top tied on, and sometimes it was not even present. Oh the nerve of her..

9. Jessica Gomes (winner of the "Too Good to Be True" award for best discovery story) - Ms. Gomes was apparently discovered at the age of 13 after appearing on the Australian show . . . wait for it . . . wait for it . . . Bush Patrol. I can not make this stuff up. Well, I am a sucker for accents, and I can only imagine that her Australian accent would do the trick. And who does not like a woman who patrols bush, even if she likely does not have much of her own (ba-ZING!).

8. Irina Shayk (winner of the "Thank God the Cold War is Over" award for best appearance by a Russian) - time to increase your holdings in publicly-traded Russian mail-order bride companies. Perhaps things would have turned out differently if Russia had used women like Ms. Shayk as spies during the Cold War; I can only imagine what information she could have uncovered.

7. Jarah Mariano (winner of the "Thank You Sir, May I Have Another" award for best sophomore performance) - To be honest, I thought this was Ms. Mariano's first appearance. Turns out, I was wrong. As an L&A man, I could not help but notice the strides she has taken to improve. Well played.

6. Daniella Sarahyba (winner of the "Give the Yourself a Hug" award as most improved model) - I was quite surprised to discover that this was Ms. Sarahyba's fifth appearance. So what made her stand out so much this year? She must have gained some self-confidence and learned to embrace her body. Whatever it is, I salute you Daniella. Go ahead, give yourself a hug.

5. Kim Cloutier (winner of the "Maybe Canada Ain't So Bad After All" award for best performance by a model from our neighbor to the north) - whenever I hear the name Cloutier, I usually have flashbacks to this, or this. Thankfully, now I can have flashbacks to this. While she was in the running for the "Rookie of the Year" award, Ms. Cloutier ultimately lost out because she does not know how to properly use a hammock (but don't anyone go and teach her the right way).

4. Tori Praver (winner of the "Say Cheese" award for best spread without a smile) - proof that a sultry look does not require a smile. Not that I think anyone would complain about her spread, but I am just saying, I like a good smile and I would like to know Ms. Praver has one before I move her up the list.

3. Esti Ginzburg (winner of the "Milk Does Do a Body Good" award as Rookie of the Year) - I never thought water wings could look so good (I also never thought that knowing how to swim would be optional for a swimsuit model). She took to heart what she learned in that milk ad as an eight year old, and it shows. Anybody interested in checking out the sights in Naples, Italy with me?

2. Bar Refaeli (cover model; winner of the "You Can't Stop Them, You Can Only Hope to Contain Them" award for best rack) - while it is tough to live up to last year's cover model (can anybody?), Ms. Refaeli certainly gives it the old "college try". She serves as proof that even "A-List" celebrities can out kick their coverage. I think the best rack award speaks for itself ( a little baby oil never hurt . . . is SI accepting applications for next year's oil-applier-guy position?), so long as she can find a top that can contain those sweater kittens.

1. Brooklyn Decker (winner of the "Still Second Fiddle to Marisa Miller" award as top model for 2009 and the "Next Stop, South America" award for best adapted world map) - I was caught off guard when there was no Marisa Miller this year and, thus, had to "settle" on Ms. Decker as the top model for 2009. Though, if I were Andy Roddick, I probably would not be winning many majors if I knew I had this waiting for me at home either. And while we may never know if "the carpet matches the drapes", for some odd reason, I am okay with that. After all, Ms. Decker has the ability to make things appear out of nowhere (I swear there is an island in the background, no?).


Still stressed? I told you you came to the right place. Now get out there and finish planning the perfect Valentine's Day for your better half. I know I have.