Blogosphere, We Have a Problem

It is going to have to be quick and dirty today.  [Editor's Note: that's what she said!]  Our problems are two fold: (1) Blogger, the site which hosts the greatest blog ever created . . . or what you call GameTime, TBD©, had flat-lined for most of the morning, only recently being shocked back to life (yup, I definitely watched too much of last night's Grey's Anatomy); (B) actual work reared its ugly head yesterday in the worst kind of way and has left us with a very short window to provide you, our dear readers, with a short Link Dump to help you through your Friday.

Thankfully all is not lost.  Some genius at Esquire magazine said to some other genius at Esquire magazine, "You know, I haven't seen Marisa Miller in a sexy photo shoot in a while."  So said second genius replied, "We should get her to do one."  And you know what?  They did:

It was if the Gods of the blogosphere knew things were not going to end well for us this week, so they blessed us with Marisa in all her glory.  Not only that, but Marisa finally jumped on the Twitter bandwagon this week and let us know that this is one of her all-time favorite pictures of herself.  Well played Marisa, well played.

And, of course, we all need a few good laughs on Fridays, especially Fridays like this.  And again, the Gods of the blogosphere came through for us:

• It is time to play "Count the Sexual Innuendos".  We will set the clock at 3:51.  Ready . . . GO!
• Well, it is Friday and, you know, you gotta get down on Friday.
• In N' Out is bringing tears  . . . and obesity . . . but mostly tears . . . to the people of Texas.
• That is just Roger being Roger . . . except the whole losing the match part.
• Ten points to the Rockies' announcers who spend the first thirty seconds of this video ball-washing the grounds crew.
• This is what the American League is doing to the Chief and his little "science experiment".
• Really? REALLY?

Have a great weekend everyone!

Never Mix Your Downers and Your Uppers

We have on good authority that the Chief has finally come to terms with end of the Los Angeles Kings' season and is finally ready to get things back up and running at full speed here in the GameTime, TBD© offices.  As such, we spent the better part of Wednesday and Thursday bouncing around ideas for the introduction for this week's Link Dump.  And, obviously, the topic we kept coming back to is the death of Osama bin Laden.  Now, we, like everyone else, are ready to never hear that man's name uttered ever again, but with his death, and the subsequent news coverage, we have all been reminded of just how far reaching the impact of September 11th was.  And, so we thought we would take this opportunity to share one of the many sports-related stories you may not have heard before.

Whenever someone attends their first Los Angeles Kings' game at the Staples Center, a lot of times you hear them ask this question: "Why is the Kings' mascot named Bailey?"  I am not surprised by the question; Bailey does seem like an odd name for a lion (the King of beasts) mascot.  I am more surprised with how few Kings fans actually know the answer.  So here we go:

Garnet "Ace" Bailey won two Stanley Cups with the Boston Bruins (1970 and 1972).  But his real impact in the NHL came from his career after his playing days, as a scout.  His keen eye for talent helped build the great Edmonton Oilers' dynasty of the mid-to-late 1980s.  During his time in Edmonton, he had become a mentor and close friend to the NHL's greatest ambassador, Wayne Gretzky.  In 1994, he was hired by the Kings to serve as their Director of Pro Scouting, a position he held until 2001.

On a warmer-than-average September morning in Boston, Massachusetts, Ace Bailey and fellow-Kings scout Mark Bavis meet at Logan International Airport in preparation for their flight to Los Angeles for the start of the Kings' training camp and the beginning of the season.  They board their flight with fifty-four other passengers, push back from the gate at 7:58 a.m., and officially depart for Los Angeles at 8:14 a.m.  Unfortunately, Bailey and Bavis will never make it to Los Angeles.  That is because, at the direction of Osama bin Laden, five hijackers will take over United Airlines flight 175 and, at 9:03 a.m., with the world watching live on television, fly the plane into the South Tower of the World Trade Center.

Since the President announced that the U.S. had finally tracked down and killed the most wanted in the world last Sunday, news organizations far and wide began tracking down both survivors and the families of those who lost their life in the attacks of September 11th, to get their response to news.  ESPN's Scott Burnside had the opportunity to catch up with the Bailey family, who have carried on Ace's legacy through a foundation helping children battling serious illnesses.  Burnside also took the time to catch up with current-Washington Capitals head coach Bruce Boudreau, who, at the time, was the head coach of the Kings' AHL affiliate in Manchester, New Hampshire and had his own connection to Bailey.  And for those of us who cheer on the Kings every season, we are reminded of Garnet "Ace" Bailey with the presence of a lion, the Kings' mascot Bailey.

I am not going to lie, there are exactly zero good ways to transition from a story of 9/11 to the entertaining part of the Link Dump, the links.  I will say this, if you have not been following this year's Stanley Cup Playoffs, you have been missing out on the best playoffs of recent memory, games that are head and shoulders ahead of anything the NBA can produce in terms of drama and excitement.  Seriously, I can not recommend strongly enough that you try to check out some of the action this weekend.  I promise it will be worth your time.  Speaking of worth your time:

• Men in green tights have not been this entertaining since Mel Brooks did his thing.  So, NHL, stop trying to ruin a good thing.
• Please add "Wayne Gretzky Rookie Card" to your "Things That Are Recession Proof" list.
• Flutie did it! Flutie did it!
• What? Police using racial profiling? Get right out of town.
• Just a friendly reminder that, while the First Amendment gives you the right to speak your mind freely, it does not protect you from the consequences of exercising that right poorly.
• Only with the Browns. 
• "We're not moving to Toronto." But Los Angeles sure is nice in the winter.
• Heartbreak city.
• For the talent portion of the competition, Miss Michigan will demonstrate her skill with a blade.
• Your "Horrible Person of the Week" award goes to . . . 
• Anyone know when Amazon.com will be accepting pre-orders for this one? 
• The biggest mover up my list of favorite sports is cricket; twenty-fifth and climbing.  [Editor's Note: make sure you enjoy the audio portion of the story.]

The video portion of the Link Dump is always an interesting process.  Some weeks the idiots stay home so we have to dig through our archives for yet-to-be-shown entertaining videos.  Other weeks it is like there is an idiot convention on the internet and every one is rushing to one-up each other with videos.  Well, thankfully for you, this week was the latter of the two:

• Nut shot + "I pooped myself a little" = #WINNING.  [Editor's Note: normally nut shots don't require sound to be entertaining . . . watch this one without sound first, and then discover how it is eleventy billion times funnier with sound.]
• I like a man who is not afraid to put his money kidney where his mouth is.
• At what point, exactly, does one come to the decision that it is a good idea to get in front of a snowmobile rolling down a hill?  1:35 apparently  . . .
• Security guard, FTW!
• Pull-up Bar 1, Jag-Bag Trainer 0.
• You have to be awfully confident in your job performance to pull off this office prank.
• Smashville, population camera guy.
• I thought I heard a Rebecca Black reference in Obama's speech last Sunday.
• Is it lazy of us to post Jimmy Kimmel's "This Week in Unnecessary Censorship" every week?  Probably.  Will we stop? [Censored] no!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Failville, Population Fail

It has been a pretty quiet week around the GameTime, TBD© offices, what with the Los Angeles Kings' season coming to an end this past night.  The Chief is clearly still in mourning.  Just not himself.  I mean, the "brain trust" is out for the day and he still says he has "things to get done for the end of the month."  Clearly, he is taking this harder than we expected.

And, well, all you people telling the Chief that there are plenty of seats available on the Canucks and/or Sharks' bandwagons are not doing us any favors.  I mean, really, you think the Chief is going throw his support behind the last two teams to eliminate his Kings from playoffs?  The Chief has asked one Ms. Kristen Bell to respond to these offers on his behalf:

That is correct, [censored] you.  Go Preds!

Now, if you have not figured it out by now, we will not be having a full Link Dump again this week.  Yes, that makes two in a row, a losing streak.  But we do, however, have a little story to share regarding an internet sensation that developed right under our noses.  If you head to YouTube and search "double dream hands", you are going to find a series of videos parodying a white guy doing a dance he calls "Double Dream Hands".  Some of you might have already done this and be well aware of what we are talking about.  That man is John Jacobson, and the dance is absolutely real.  How do I know this you ask?  

Well, you may recall that one time the Chief revealed that little secret about him being part of a nationally-ranked show choir back when he was in high school.  But the choir was not just about crushing opponents left and right in competitions across the country.  They also participated in many events for the children in the community, and donated their time to some charities.  One such charity is called America Sings!, which is a non-profit organization that puts on non-competitive choral festivals to help raise food, clothing, and money for disadvantaged children across the country.  Well, American Sings! was founded by a composer, arranger, choreographer, and 2008 Congressional candidate; one John Jacobson.    That is right, my dear readers, your beloved Chief has met, learned choreography from, and performed on stage with Mr. Double Dream Hands himself . . . on several occasions.  So, for your viewing pleasure, we present you two original John Jacobson productions:

• The dance that started it all, the original Double Dream Hands for all of you to learn and love.
• To easy? Well, now you can rock out with Double Dream Feet.  You. Are. Welcome.

The Chief informs us that they always learned the necessary choreography over the course of a sixteen-hour, two-day weekend event with Mr. Jacobson, months before America Sings! came to town.  Pretty much the ideal weekend for your average high school student, right?  Do yourself a favor and check out some of the YouTube parodies, they are pretty solid.  And check out the clips with Ellen Degeneres as well, classic.  But do not think those are the only things we have in store for your viewing enjoyment today.  In addition to Kristen Bell rocking the black-bra-under-white-shirt look (hot, right?), and John Jacobson making you want to stand up and dance in your office or cubicle (hot, right?), we have a few extra nuggets for you:

• I do not know about you, but I always feel good just getting past "ping, pong, rally, on."  So I guess that makes this pretty impressive.
• This interview pretty much confirms everything we expected about Hollywood screenwriters.
• Oh Martin, you will always be Ned Nederlander to me.
• I guarantee you this is not the first time Melanie Collins has been invited to watch someone do their business.
• You can bet the Chief was in need of necessary censorship on Monday night.

We will do our best to get the Chief back in shape by Monday.  In the meantime, have a great weekend everyone!

Just One of Those Days . . .

Well, this happened last night and, not surprisingly, the Chief called in "sick" this morning.  He told us to close up shop earlier because it is Good Friday and "apparently that's some sort of holiday that people use as an excuse to leave work early."  Far be it from us to argue with a man telling us to go home early.

That being said, he demanded we not get too lazy and "make sure [we] send all of GameTime, TBD©'s avid readers off with a little treat for the holiday weekend."  I am not completely clear on what he meant by treat, but I am going to guess he meant this:

 

 Ah, Marisa, welcome back.  It has been far too long.  The picture was posted to her blog as a "sneak peek" of a recent photo shoot she did.  She does not reveal what shoot it was, but she casually mentions "I haven’t done something this sexy in a while."  Needless to say, we can not wait to see what the rest of the shoot looked like.  That being said, I am definitely going to try to convince my Better Half that she should be lounging around the house in high heels and her underwear from now on.  That should go well.

Also, our original intention with our "little treat" was to find a picture of an attractive female wearing a Kings jersey to remind the Chief that at least something good can come from wearing the uniform, but our search went about as well as Jonathan Quick stopped pucks over these past two games.  So, it you are an attractive female looking for more exposure, you should totally email or tweet us a picture of you in a Kings jersey and help make the Chief feel a little better.

Last, but certainly not least, do not think we would dare consider sending you off without at least a few clips for your viewing pleasure.  This is, after all, a civilized blog.  So:

• Esquire has put together a list of fifty songs all guys should know.  And to help you remember them, they enlisted Glee's Heather Morris to dance to them. So, now when you are asked what song was your favorite, you can respond "Huh? Songs?"
• Can you tell me how to get to Houston Street?
• I think Brian Wilson's beard ranks second on my list of "Most Distracting Things in the World".
• [*Mortal Kombat voice*] Flawless victory.
• Cause, you know, the blue blends right in with the ice . . .
• Note to self: Sarah Palin will not give sympathy BJs to the Democrats.

Have a great weekend everyone!

One Game Down, Down One Game

Here are some of things we learned from last night's opener of the Los Angeles Kings and San Jose Shark's playoff series:

1. The Kings are down one game to none.
2. It is going to be a great series.
3. Thirty seconds into the game, My Better Half had the nerve to say: "They're good.  I mean, no offense, but that was a nice play."
4. According to random homeless guys in San Francisco, "75% of teams that have won the Stanley Cup lost game 1."*
5. There is a very real possibility that the Chief can not be friends with any of his friends/family members who are San Jose Sharks fans for the next two weeks, give or take a couple of days.  The real question is: will they want to be friends with him when it is all said and done? Mostly said though . . . 
6. Three twenty-two ounce beers with an alcohol-by-volume of 9.5% or more will render a grown man relatively useless the next day.

Indeed, the Chief walked into to work looking like a man whose team lost an overtime playoff game last night.  It truly was a sight to be seen.  When asked for comment on the game he responded: "Shhhhh, do you have to yell?  I'm right here."  I guess the body does not recover like it used to when you are an old man.  And then I had to do something I am not proud of.  I said: "Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!"

His first look made me think I was going to lose my job.  But then we caught a glimpse of the Chief we all know and love.  He chugged his venti coffee, took a deep breath, and gave us his analysis.  He was pleased with the Kings effort, blah, blah, blah.  Glad they did not get down on themselves after giving up that early goal, yada, yada, yada.  And then he touched the third rail, saying "there is no way that Jarret Stoll should be suspended for the second game", which is a rumor circulating on Twitter right now.  He claims to have watched the hit one hundred times since the game ended (we wouldn't doubt him), and he maintains that it was an unfortunate result of Ian White being in a bad position at the time of the hit.  It is unfortunate when a play like that ends in an injury, but Stoll is not a dirty player.  That being said, the NHL, like every other league, is trying to crack down on "hits to the head" and I would not be surprised if the league sat Stoll for a game.  The Chief acknowledged he would not be surprised if that happened either but maintained his position that it was not warranted and also pointed out that, "if Stoll is suspended for one game, then Sharks defenseman Jason Demers should sit for a game for his non-penalized hit on Ryan Smyth.  Last time I checked, leaving your feet is charging, and throwing an elbow at a player's head would seem to constitute a 'hit to the head' in my book.  The only difference I can see is that Smyth was not hurt on the play while White was."  Pretty impressive that the Chief can link to sources while talking, is it not?  Oh, and he makes a decent point too.

And to prove that the Chief we know and love is still in there, he finished with "Now, get that Link Dump done so we can go grab some beer and wings; I could really use a little hair of the dog."  Ask and ye shall receive:

• Allow us to introduce you to the sport of Hurling with such phrases as "fractured eye socket," "had the finger reattached," and "shattered one testicle, had to have half the second removed".
• "Oh yeah, the Great Bambino. Of course! I thought you said the Great Bambi." 
• Major League Baseball looks at the data and discovers that, apparently, high-definition television are not going anywhere anytime soon.
• Your "Uplifting Story of the Week": prognosis good for partially-paralyzed outfielder.
• Hmm . . . did I ever bet on a University of San Diego basketball game?
• But what happens to the statue when he has to return the Heisman in two years?
• NFL Network trades Joe Theismann and Matt Millen for Mike Mayock and an announcer to be named later. 
• Did you mean "train wreck", Matt?
• Want to miss the cut at the Masters?  This yardage book should help.
• Speaking of missing the cut, I am going to go out on a limb and say it will take an impressive second round out of Kevin Na for him to make the cut after this. 
• I would not mind having Sophie Horn in my next foursome . . . wait, what?
• Should be much easier for Mike Tyson to eat those children now.
• Clijsters got hurt how?
• British courts are not afraid to order gagging as part of affairs? Kinky.
• Taking the phrase "sex sells" to a whole new level.

So, anyone interested in joining us for beer, wings, and whatever sports happen to be on television right now?  Ha, trick question.  You are all too busy reading this Link Dump, enjoying those links above, and getting ready to enjoy the videos.  But, if you would like to join us, drop us a line . . . once you have watched these:

• Have you watched the intro video to Kate Upton's website?  No?  You. Are. Welcome.
• Am I supposed to be surprised an unmanned tractor wreaked havoc in a Walmart parking lot?  
• Good to see the Royals organization's ability to fail extends beyond just their baseball team.
• As the title of the video suggests, is this even human?
• If you missed the first episode of Norm McDonald's new sports show (conveniently titled "Sports Show with Norm McDonald"), then you missed this.
• And if you missed opening day at Wrigley Field, then you missed this.  Of course, you might just have been too drunk to remember.
• Sounds like Mayor Viaragosa has some interesting plans for Los Angeles moving forward.  

Have a great weekend everyone!


*No homeless people were hurt in the making of this blog.

The Deuces are Wild

With the exception of the Chief's little "experiment", we do not really care too much about the baseball season.  That being said, being from Los Angeles, one of the few things we truly enjoy about the long season is listening to a game being called by the legendary Vin Scully.  Sure, he might have lost it a bit in these last few seasons, but there is something about the way he seems genuinely excited to be at the ballpark everyday.  And of course, there are all his predictable catch phrases.  Though he is no Jim Brockmire when it comes to catch phrases, if there are two balls, two strikes, and two outs in the inning, you know Vin is going to drop "The deuces are wild".  And if there is a runner on third, you can bet he will ask "Begs the question, how many wild pitches has [insert pitcher here] thrown?"  It is like clockwork; and we love it.

A significant percentage of our readership has recently contacted us regarding the content of our site.  While these readers continue to appreciate their Friday entertainment, they are concerned that (1) there has not been a lot of any original content recently, and (b) there has been a heavy dose women.  As it turns out, we have a solid female readership that actually enjoys our perspective on things other then women.  Who knew?  So all this begs the question, what ever happened to that blog dedicated to sports and life?

Well, the Chief dropped a tablet of truth this morning and here it is: the Chief feels like he has lost his "voice" and has gotten a little gun shy.  And once he got that feeling that his "voice" was gone, he fell back on one of the easier topics to cover: attractive women.  When dealing with attractive women, writing takes a back seat.  All you have to do is link to a picture and let it do all the work.  It was a quick and easy solution for the guy who lost his confidence.  Sure, he had to try and find a way to make the ladies relevant to the here and the now, but, as you can see, that was not really that difficult.  Having taken a good, hard look at himself in the mirror this morning, the Chief decided it was time to get back in the saddle.  And there is no day like today, the start of the Los Angeles Kings' first-round playoff series, to do just that.  You did not actually think we were going to spend an entire post talking about baseball, did you?

I am a firm believer that patterns play an integral role in the sports world, and when you look at the Kings over the last two weeks of the regular season, you see one: the deuces are wild.  Heading into to the final two weeks of the season, the Kings were on a tear, having gone 19-4-5 over a span of twenty-eight games and surged into contention for home-ice in the opening round of the playoffs.  In game twenty-six of that the stretch, they lost Justin Williams, their second-leading scorer, to a dislocated shoulder.  Two games later, they lost Anze Kopitar, their leading scorer, to torn tendons in his ankle, which required surgery.  Two games, top two offensive weapons gone, in the tightest playoff race the Western Conference had seen in recent memory.  Yup, that is pretty much the worst thing that could happen to the Kings.

Over the final two weeks of the season, the Kings played seven games against Western Conference opponents, the final five against division rivals.  Over those seven games without their top two scores, the Kings scored more than two goals once.  They did manage to win three of those games thanks to solid goaltending from the two Jonathans, Quick and Bernier.  When the Kings finally clinched a playoff spot with their April 6th win over Phoenix, they had two games left and needed only two points to clinch the fourth seed in the West and secure home-ice advantage in the first round.  Sadly, the Kings lost both of the games by scoring a combined two goals and dropped to seventh in the Western Conference heading in the playoffs.

That brings us to today, when the Kings begin their opening-round playoff series against the second-seeded San Jose Sharks at HP Pavilion.  Like most Kings fans, my dreams of a deep playoff run were crushed when it was announced that Kopitar needed surgery and was out indefinitely.  And sliding all the way down to seventh did nothing to ease my fears of not advancing to the second round.  For starters, the Sharks have quietly been one of the best teams in the league all season.  Their offense is led by two thirty-goal scorers, including Patrick Marleau who has absolutely destroyed the Kings throughout his career.  More over, the Sharks had the second-ranked power play during the regular season, going off at a 23.5% efficiency.  Ouch.

But while I began my outline of this post expecting to write about the absolutely dismantling the Kings were going to face at the hands of the Sharks, the numbers (other than all those twos) started to tell a little different story.  For starters, the Kings did post their second-straight forty-win season and reached the playoffs for the second straight year after an eight-year drought.  And, it was announced yesterday that Williams will be back for tonight's game, a much needed boost to the Kings stagnant offense (though, I would have also liked to see the Kings recall über-prospect Brayden Schenn after his QMJHL team was eliminated from the playoffs, but that doesn't seem to be happening now).  That being said, Williams will have to pick up his offensive production against the Sharks, having registered only two assists in the four games he played against San Jose this season.  More importantly, it turns out the Sharks had done an impressive job shutting down Kopitar this season, holding him to four assists in the five games he played.  Against the Sharks, the Kings have been led offensively by captain Dustin Brown (4 goals, 1 assist) and veteran winger Ryan Smyth (2 goals, 1 assist), both of whom are healthy and ready to go.  And while the Sharks may have the second-best power play and sixth-best offense in the league, the Kings have the fourth-best penalty kill and sixth-best defense in the league.  And though the Kings ranked only twenty-first on the power play (16.2%), the Sharks ranked twenty-fourth (79.4%) on the penalty kill.  They say that special teams are an important part of winning a playoff series, and San Jose's strengths and weaknesses on special teams match up perfectly to those of the Kings.  When compared to the other Western Conference playoff teams, the Shark's offense-first mentality may just be the ideal match-up for the Kings and their defense-first mentality.

So where do all these numbers leave us?  There is no denying that the Kings are facing an uphill battle just to advance to the second round this year.  While the return of Williams should help a struggling offense, they still lack a true offensive leader with Kopitar out.  But if the Kings can manage to light lamp more then once a game, and play responsibly in the defensive zone (staying in position, clean breakouts of their zone, and not taking silly penalties), it is not too far fetched to see Jonathan Quick take care of business in net and lead the Kings past a team with a long history of playoff failures.  Surprising the Sharks and taking game one tonight would be a big step in that direction.

And while my heart still only sees the Kings raising Lord Stanley's Cup come June, my brain tells a different story. It says the Sharks take the series in six.  However, win or lose, you can expect this series will take at least two years off my life.

Go Kings Go!

In the Dark, There Is Light

As you may recall from last week's Link Dump, the Chief decided to run a little "investment" experiment with the Red Sox.  Something about betting on them to win every game I think.  In that gem of a post, he provided the following commentary:  "Worst case scenario, Red Sox start the season in a slump and early profits are not high enough to offset the losses and the nest egg dries up."  For those of you following along at home, the Red Sox have yet to win a game.  Ouch.

But the night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promised the Chief, the dawn is coming.  For starters, the "brain trust" is out today, so the Chief has already lined up wings, beer, The Masters, and the late innings of the Red Sox/Yankees game during his lunch hour.  By my calculation, that right there gives the Chief more wins than the Red Sox.

And then we thought we would help cheer up the Chief a little more with one of his favorite things: attractive women.  The Chief's dad is a very successful businessman and his role model (bare with us, we're getting to the ladies).  One strategy the Chief learned from his dad, and which he has incorporated into his running of this website, is how to make people feel like they are making decisions while actually doing what he wants.  He is sneaky like that.  It goes like this: (1) the Chief asks you your opinion on what should be done; (b) the Chief "thinks about" the options he was presented; (iii) the Chief chooses his idea.  To top it off, he is so polite about it, you do not even realize he has totally disregarded everything you said until much later.  So, what does this have to do with attractive women you ask?  Simple.  In our March Madness Link Dump, we mentioned Esquire magazine was asking its readers to help it select 2011's "Sexiest Woman Alive".  It is the second straight year they have run this NCAA tournament-style bracket.  So, in April of 2010, the readers voted Brooklyn Decker the Sexiest Woman Alive.  Not our top choice, but we would hardly complain.  And what did Esquire do? They stole a play straight out of the Chief's playbook and, in November of 2010, declared Minka Kelly the Sexiest Woman Alive.  So, this year, when they ran the 2011 "Sexiest Woman Alive" bracket, they made the slight change of asking readers to help determine "your" (the reader's) Sexiest Woman Alive, meaning that, come November, we can expect them to tell us who they think the Sexiest Woman Alive is.  So, even though 30 Rock hottie Katrina Bowden pulled off the upset over defending champion Decker, we can expect someone new in November.

Now, about those attractive women.  If you have not already noticed, what we did right there is list three women; three women that, within the last twelve month, have all been named the Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire.  And when there are three women in play, there is only one thing for us to do.  That is right, dear readers, it is time for GameTime, TBD©'s next installment of M-F-K: the Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive Edition.  So, we would like to know who of these sexy ladies you would marry, [censored], and kill: (1) Brooklyn Decker; (b) Minka Kelly; and (iii) Katrina Bowden.

While the Chief mulls over his options, here are some things you might have missed from the previous week:

• Some people have a lot of extra time on their hands.  We here at GameTime, TBD© appreciate when they put that extra time to good use.
• Now THIS is customer service.
• New season, new foods to take years off your life.
• Troy Tulowitzki continues to be baseball's MVP of walk-up music.
• If you are a fan of the giveaways, mark these dates on your calendar.
• That trial regarding the former NL West outfielder (no, not that trial, the other trial) is getting a little weird.
• Speaking of extra time, when you are a back-up hockey goalie, you have a lot of extra time on your hands during games.  It is good to see Marty Turco putting his time to go use as well.
• For those of you worried about how Aaron Rogers would handle the NFL lockout, he seems to be doing okay; after all, he has a date with Destiny . . . [Editor's Note:  hardy-har-har]
• We always try to give you at least one feel-good story each week.  This week, it is the story of a ring large enough to be a bracelet.
• If arrest lasts longer than four hours, seek immediate medical attention. 

Ok, the Chief has "mulled" it over and believes the answer is clear.  He loves him his blonds and fears what diseases Derek Jeter might be incubating within his jock; talk about tainted goods.  So, Minka must go.  Also, as you may recall from our last M-F-K installment, the Chief has an unnatural fear of large boobs and the damage they might cause in the throes of passion.  While he is willing to offer Brooklyn a ride, he is worried about long-term brain damage from constant blows to the head . . . wait, what? [Editor's Note: concussion and bedroom sports, it's time to get serious].  So, Brooklyn gets the [censored] of her life and is shown the door.  Which leaves him with Katrina.  I mean, just look at that butt.  How could you not want to come home to that every night? [Editor's Note: truth be told, I already do.]  Winner, winner, chicken dinner.  Speaking of winners . . . 

• You. Are. Welcome.
• Rest assured, ladies, these men DO NOT speak for everyone.
• You can always count on The Onion to tell it like it is should be.
• I know I railed against April Fools jokes last week, but this one was actually worthy of being shared. 
• This commercial is only made better by the fact the Red Sox currently sit winless.
• And the whiff.
• Floor remains undefeated in epic battle with human heads.

Have a great weekend everyone!

All In The Name Of Science

Well, it is with great sadness that I, the Chief, must announce this is final Link Dump and post that will ever grace the pages of GameTime, TBD©.  Sadly, things back in the real world have gotten a little too complicated and we are going to have to close up shop, for good.

APRIL FOOLS!  Hahahahaha; oh man, that was classic.  You should have seen all of your faces.  Man, I kill myself sometimes.

Sadly, that is far from the lamest April Fools joke we have heard/seen today.  Even more sad, we did not even have to try to make it better than some we have seen.  Look, if you are still in college or younger, feel free to pull as many April Fools pranks as you would like.  But please, people, let us put April Fools Day onto that list of things people should no longer care about once they grow up.  Besides, we have more important things to talk about . . . WINNING.

So, I was pretty confident that the Chief's degenerate gambling ways were behind him, but one weekend-long run in Vegas, followed by a dinner with a fellow recovering degenerate gambler, has brought us to this:  The Chief's 2011 "Investment" Experiment.  You may recall last October we alerted you to the epic journey of one man, who bet on his beloved Pirates to lose, every game, to the tune of a 9.8% return on his "investment" over the course of the season.  Well, with the baseball season upon us (Opening Day was yesterday . . . you know, just in case you live in a cave and the only website your iPhone allows you to visit is this one), and that got the Chief thinking about running a little experiment of his own.  Now, for starters, the Chief cares about baseball only to the extent he has a player on his fantasy baseball team.  He does not have one favorite team that he follows at all costs.  Also, unlike the guy who "loves" his Pirates so much he could stomach to bet on them to lose every game, the Chief is an eternal optimist, who believes his team will always triumph (see, e.g., his beloved Kings, no way he could bet on them, he freaks out enough already).  Lastly, what is the fun of betting on someone to lose every game?  Would you not enjoy it more if you could turn a profit by betting on someone to win every game?

And that brings us to the details of the Chief's newest "investment" experiment.  Two guys, two hundred dollars each, betting twenty dollars that the Boston Red Sox will win every game this year.  Yes, that is one hundred and sixty-two (162) individual bets, all in the name of science.  How did these two groundbreaking scientists decide on the Red Sox you ask?  Well, for starters, the Chief wanted a team that he could tolerate that was expected to win significantly more games than they lose this year.  So that eliminated the New York Yankees.  Then, because they are only making a single straight wager every game, the Chief had to figure out what winning team was likely going to have the best average odds over the course of the season.  Looking at the Phillies and Red Sox (the only other two teams expected to win a statistically significant number of games more than they lose), the Red Sox play in the much more competitive American League East, and the American League in general seems to more competitive across the board.  So it was decided that the Boston Red Sox would be the guinea pig for this little experiment.  So, for example, today the Chief has the Red Sox money line (-125) versus the Texas Rangers in their season opener ($20 to win $16).  But to ensure that the average odds stay as close to minus-110 as possible (other gamblers understand this), when the Red Sox face lesser opponents or a team's fifth starter, the Chief will consider taking the run line over the money line.  Yes, that means that, in theory, the Red Sox could win but the Chief will still lose, but we are talking about science her people . . . and WINNING.

Should be a wild ride.  Worst case scenario, Red Sox start the season in a slump and early profits are not high enough to offset the losses and the nest egg dries up.  Best case scenario, the Red Sox set a new major league record for wins (currently 116 by the 2001 Seattle Mariners and 1906 Chicago Cubs).  The most likely result, however, is that Red Sox do as expected and the Chief is able to eek out a five to ten percent profit over the course of the season.  And it all starts today at 1:05 p.m. (PST).  So, while we go enjoy the start of the Chief's experiment, here are some things you might have missed from the week that was (and we promise, no April Fools links):

• Kate Upton is modeling for Guess? I guess I am okay with that.
• You know it is baseball season when [spins wheel]: Dodgers fans show just how classless they truly are.
• You know it is baseball season when [spins wheel]: the Washington Nationals can notanything right, even on Opening Day. do
• Let us take a look at the New York Mets payroll . . . for players no longer on team.  And, just for kicks, here is a closer look at what they still owe Bobby Bonilla.
• Pitcher's perfect game is good enough for a mention in the seventh paragraph . . . of an eight-paragraph story.
• What? A BCS Bowl is corrupt and abusing the money it receives?  Get right out of town.  I hope the BCS committee does the right thing when all is said and done.
• I wonder if he regrets titling his autobiography "Touched"?
• Congrats to all of you who took Wichita State in your NIT brackets.  [Editor's Note: the what?]
• From "Tomorrow Night's Mantra: Keep Your Cool and Respect Yourself" to "Dear TEAM CHI OMYGOD", this story will make your day.
• Thirteen-year-old has already perfected the "I never knowingly . . ." defense.  Sounds like he is ready for the big leagues.
• This story is the perfect bookend to the way we started this Dump . . . maybe not.

If there is one thing you do not want read right before you settle in for start of your "investment' experiment, it is probably something like this:  "[Texas starter] CJ Wilson was 3-0 with an 0.86 ERA in his three starts against Boston last year. The Red Sox hit only .157 against him with 20 strikeouts and only two runs in 21 innings."  And so it begins.  So, how about those videos now:

• Study up, we will be holding tryouts to fill out the Team GameTime, TBD© roster next weekend.
• "And then I was all, talk to the palm cause you ain't the bomb."
• I have something Kaley can practice with . . .  
• The only good thing about VCU's Final Four song is that it allows me to re-post one of the greatest music videos ever made.  [Editor's Note: Did you know The Hoff helped bring down the Berlin Wall? True story.]
• Oh fail, how I have missed you.
• With The Hangover II right around the corner, it is always fun to remember some of Alan's finer moments in Vegas.
• Apparently a lot of important people said a lot of inappropriate things this week.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Does Size Really Matter?

Hello friends.  Well, sadly, actual work has once again reared its ugly head, and that has left the writers here at GameTime, TBD© without enough time or oversight to bring you your weekly dose of entertainment, also known as the Link Dump.  But what would a Friday be without a little entertainment and, more importantly, a heated debate amongst friends?

As most of you know, the Chief is a legs and butt man.  A woman with a nice set of stems will drive him wild.  This developed mostly out of (1) his love for petite women, and (b) his fear of the damage that can be caused by a set of large knockers.  Do not get me, he is not about turn a blind eye to what a woman has going on up top (after all, a lot of them paid good money for those), but he has an unnatural fear of getting knocked unconscious by an arrant boob shot to the head.  [Editor's Note: seriously, try as you might, you will never be able to convince me that a set like these couldn't kill a man.  I mean, I could think of worse ways to go, but still . . .].  Plus, a nice pair of legs and a shapely butt usually tend to indicate that the woman takes care of her body, so you are likely to find the rest of her very appealing as well.

Well, if we are talking about the Chief's preference in women, and we do not have enough time for a full Link Dump, that can only me one thing.  That is right, dear readers, it is time for GameTime, TBD©'s next installment of M-F-K: the Itty-Bitty-Titty-Committee ("IBTC") Edition.  So, we would like to know who of these "IBTC" members you would marry, [censored], and kill:  (1) Kristen Bell; (b) Keira Knightley; and (iii) Natalie Portman.

We asked the Chief to provide us with his analysis, so here we go.  Three beautiful women, all with great legs and butts [Editor's Note: boy, researching for this post was really tough . . .], and a top half proportionate to their body?  You can not really go wrong here.  That being said, those of you who know my preference in women, and know my Better Half, know that I will be marrying Kristen Bell.  No point in trying to pretend otherwise.  As part of our inevitable prenuptial agreement, I would negotiate a clause requiring her to walk three feet in front of me at all times just so I could constantly be checking her out her backside.  I mean, is that not why we gentlemen live by the motto "ladies first"?  Personally, I think the Japanese culture got it backwards by making women walk behind their husbands.  You can not enjoy the view that way.

As for which one I [censored] and which one I kill, that is a bit trickier.  If you had presented this scenario to me a couple of years ago, it would have been simple, Natalie Portman gets to taste the goods and Keira Knightley meets an untimely end.  Natalie Portman was my first celebrity crush, dating all the way back to her roll as Matilda in The Professional.  [Editor's Note: we're only 6-months apart age wise, so that isn't as creepy as it sounds . . . I hope.]  The funny thing is, while Natalie Portman has peeked career-wise over the past few years, her curb appeal has dropped a little in my book.  First, she went all boy haircut on us, and then she decided to go and get herself knocked up.  Keira Knightley, on the other hand, is the model of consistency.   The movie she is in might not be is not very good, but she is going to look good doing it and her accent rocks.  All that being said, you know I am loyal to a fault.  I wish I knew how to quit you Natalie Portman.  [Editor's Note: her being in like eleventy billion movies this year isn't helping, that's for sure.]  So, dear Keira, as good as you looked as pirate, it is time for you to walk the plank while Natalie walks my plank (Hey-OH!).

So, with that, we must cut things short and get back to life in the real world.  We hope you are able to enjoy your Friday afternoon and the heated debate we know you are about to have with those around you.  But with all this talk of legs and boobs, we thought we would leave you with one more relevant video, compliments of Spring Break 2011: "She's top heavy guys, she's top heavy."

Have a great weekend everyone!

Rise and FIRE!

Can you smell that?  The sweet, sweet aroma of March Madness is in the air.

That is right, the productivity of American workers is slowly grinding to a halt as we are a mere twenty-three hours away from the tip-off of the NCAA Tournament.  Okay, so I guess the Tournament technically started last night, but let us be honest, no one is really counting these play-in "first" round games as part of the tournament.  Chances are you, like me, have joined one or two (or twenty) pools and did not even have to pick the first four games unless you expected one of the teams to advance past their next opponent.

More importantly, this means over the next two days we all get to pretend we are actually working while, in actuality, we are following the games from the (dis)comfort of our desk chairs.  I mean, if unrest in the Middle East and a potential nuclear meltdown in Japan can not stop Obama from filing out a bracket for ESPN, who are we expected to focus on normal work?  Some of you are doing the smart thing and just taking the two days off, or maybe just Friday.  Heck, even my Better Half said she was considering taking Friday as a sick day so she could stay home, watch the games, and BBM-trash talk me about how her bracket is better than mine.  I mean, if the Tournament is going to get her to ditch work, it has to make you consider just how important it is.

But that also made the Chief realize that that makes today practically Friday.  So he sent up the GameTime, TBD© signal and called for a special, Tournament edition of the Link Dump. When you think about it, it makes sense.  I mean, we are even closing up shop early on Friday to head to Vegas to catch some of the action.  Thankfully, part of the GameTime, TBD© family is headed out first thing tomorrow morning, so we will have legal action on all of the Thursday and Friday games.

Now, we were very tempted to dedicate this entire Link Dump to the greatness that is Gus Johnson, since Gus Johnson and the NCAA Tournament go hand-and-hand.  But as it turns out, there is actually some other Tournament-related news out there that we thought you might enjoy and some non-Gus Johnson related videos from the week that should help make your Hump Day [Editor's Note: Hey-OH] go by a little faster.  But rest assured, our dear readers, that there is plenty of Gus Johnson to go around:

• I will get this out the way: Gus Johnson is the voice of March.
• Jimmer Fredette is wildly popular in the New York prison system . . . wait, what?
• If you are finding it difficult to make bracket number thirty-seven seem different from bracket twenty-three, here are some strategies to help you out.
• A look at March Madness by the numbers.  Congratulations to you on being part of the 8.4 million.
• Speaking of "by the numbers", here is a bracket filed out using the median salary of graduates from each of the teams.
• There is nothing like a good drinking game to help ensure you are passed out by the late games.

Of course, around this time of year every website and their mother runs their own gimmicky NCAA-style bracket.  If you have not noticed, Esquire is picking the "Sexiest Woman Alive" (even though last October they declared Minka Kelly the sexiest woman alive . . . did I miss something? Is Minka dead? Was she severely disfigured in a horrific acid accident in the last 5 months?) and Spike is helping Captain Morgan find the "Ultimate Morganette" from a pool of only the "classiest" of ladies.  Attractive women NCAA-style brackets are a dime a dozen this time of year.  So we thought we would draw your attention to some other notable brackets:

• Black Lab, FTW!
• I am not positive, but I do not think this will really be much of a competition.

And then there are the videos.  Oh, the videos.  Let us face it, there is nothing quite like a Gus Johnson-called dramatic ending.  And while listening alone is fun, watching is even better.  But do not fear, we have not gone with a complete tribute to Gus Johnson because not even March Madness can stop funny things from happening:

• Like everything great in life, even the NCAA Tournament ends with a montage, every year, always to "One Shining Moment".  So here you go, fifteen years of "One Shining Moment".
• "Sorrentine . . . FROM THE PARKING LOT!"
• "Heart. Break. City."  Yes, it is the greatest 40.8 seconds in NCAA-tournament history (I might be biased), and it was called by G.J.
• Not convinced? Here is how it looked from UCLA's band section.  How has someone not mixed this with Johnson's call yet?
• While we are certain to have many memorable fan reactions during this year's Tournament, it may be tough to match this.
• The best anti-bullying PSA? Looks to me like a perfect visual representation of a one-versus-sixteen match-up.  [Editor's Note: all kidding aside, it's time parents start taking some initiative and talk to their kids about bullying.  For the record, that's the bullier getting the short end of the stick.]
• It is about this time of year that a guy figures out just how great his significant other is.  Hopefully you chose wisely.  [Editor's Note: like me!]
• Worried that the NCAA Tournament is going to take its toll on your Diet? Jimmy K is here to help!

We hope you enjoy the NCAA Tournament and we wish you the best luck in all of your pools or with all the action you decide to lay . . . and also your bets.  Ba-ZING!